Violent Video Games Groom Business Geniuses

MAYHEM, MS - This past Monday, scholars at the Upper University of Coveted Knowledge (UUCK) made the startling announcement that mastery of violent video games as teenagers proves to be an excellent predictor of later success in the business world. In UUCK’s own stunning words “the bloodier, the deadlier, the better.” Immediately following this shocking announcement, stocks of each of the leading video game manufacturers doubled and tripled, and retailers since are struggling to keep up with exploding customer demand.

UUCK spokesperson, Dr. Restin Peace, described their 10-year study in which each year’s top 100 nationally ranked scorers of the most violent and bloody computer games on the market were polled annually thereafter. The scholars tracked the gamers’ grade point averages and graduation rates for those in high school and college, subsequent field of employment, job title, salary, number of reportees, and achievements.

Without exception, high school and college graduation rates were stellar, at 100%, although GPAs were surprisingly mediocre, at 2.1 of a possible 4.0. Although to date unproven, authorities suspect the perfect graduation rate may be due to “large, anonymous donations,” possibly from video game tournament winnings. When reached for comment, school representatives immediately hung up, rushed into urgent meetings, or slammed doors in reporters’ faces.

Upon entry into the working world, however, all of these ex-cyber war heroes, master-blaster car thieves, and champion alien disintegrators were found to display meteoric rises in their careers. While their GPAs would only have predicted average intelligence and career potential, clearly these star gamers possess something which uniquely sets them apart and ahead in the business environment.

In-depth interviews and questionnaires of these former champion gamers, their workplace superiors, and subordinates quickly pinpointed that critical competitive edge. Perhaps to no one’s great surprise, that edge is a killer instinct, pure and simple.  When confronted with any workplace challenge, the ex-gamers’ uniform strategy is to hit the obstacle with every possible resource at their disposal, plus those they could summon from those around them, whether gained through accepted channels or otherwise.

The gamers’ edge also includes a cold, heartless, take-no-prisoners approach. Camaraderie is not a strong point. They care not who they step on or push out of the way to achieve their objective and move to the next, higher level. Bottom line, just as in their virtual, fantasy-world formative years, these gamers are ruthless winners.

Deans of the nation’s top business schools have become, however, extremely alarmed at this study’s results. They fear plummeting enrollments going forward in spite of their stellar reputations for molding Corporate America’s future business leaders. Harrumph Harrumph University School of Business representative Dr. Bo Tai said, “How will our business schools remain able to compete? Four years of intense study costing students 50 grand a year to come here versus $24.99 for the latest version of Mutant Alien Armageddon and several weeks at a high-performance computer. Business schools will be blasted to smithereens by these trigger-happy gamers.”

Parents, conversely, are thrilled with the UUCK announcement, and have made a rapid and complete about-face regarding their kids’ ultra-violent video games. Worries about paying huge dollars for college educations may become a thing of the past. While exiting her local video game emporium last night, PTA president and mother of two Bonnie Slippurs said, “I used to scream at Junior to turn off that infernal computer and his mindless shoot-em-up games. But now that it’ll make him a guaranteed business mogul, I’ll yell if he leaves his room. I even just bought his six-year-old sister Total Death, Mayhem, and Annihilation 2.0 to get her started on the road to success. Guess I’ll have to throw away Barbie and Ken. She may not like it, but I’ve got to show her the tough love and do what’s best in the long run.”

Young computer gamers everywhere are thrilled with these developments. Overheard at the mall video arcade this afternoon were comments like, “This is so cool. It’s like they legalized crack.” Awesome! Mom ‘n Dad’ll get me all the latest Evil Enemy Evisceraters as soon as they come out. I won’t even have to ask.”

The results of this landmark UUCK study have made a mockery of decades of parental and educational guidance. No longer will hours, days, and weeks locked in deadly, bloody, fantasy battles at computers in kids’ darkened bedrooms be viewed as lives wasted. These budding cyber-master evil warlords are honing the skills to become America’s next business moguls. They deserve our utmost support.

05.15.09

(This article initially appeared on AssociatedContent.com)

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