Self-Improvement at the Body Part Superstore

AILEEN, Tex. - Humor Volcano's new Health and Wellness reporter, Phil N. Poorlie, tree surgeon, takes a wishful look to the future in his first feature article:

How long until medical science figures out how to replace all, and I mean all, of our defective body parts? I’m thinking maybe they’ll come up with a medical superstore stocked with off-the-shelf, do-it-yourself type body replacement parts, just like going to an auto parts store. I hope it happens soon, because I’m pretty annoyed with the gazillion squeaks, rattles, and excessive wear in this flesh and bones heap I’ve been driving for the past fifty years.

For starters, my constant allergies, congestion, and post-nasal drip are obviously the result of some design flaw, so I’d like to run into the Nose-It-All microfiber air filter section and just replace my whole nasal cavity with a guaranteed allergy-free unit. Just press a button, pop out the leaky old nose and sinuses and pop in a nice no-leak, clog-free unit so I can breathe freely and stop with the constant sneezing and blowing. Sniff, I can hardly wait. Achoo.

Next I’d replace my abdomen with a state of the art set of six-pack abs from the Let’s-Get-Waisted aisle. The old approach to tighten my sagging, protruding, jelly belly by doing sit-ups and leg-lifts didn’t work out so hot. I wound up going under the knife in the hospital with not one, not two, but three abdominal hernias to get fixed. Even then I still had the same six-months-pregnant look. I’m really looking forward to the modular, no mess, no fuss, Babe Magnet replacement model Washboard Abs. My wife’s even been feeding my piggy bank for this upgrade.

A brand-spanking new stomach and esophagus from the We’ve-Got-Guts aisle will be the next upgrades. The factory-installed ones have been really balky for the past twenty-five years or so, tending to over-throttle and cause wicked heartburn at the slightest provocation. Like eating. Maybe that cast iron set I’ve heard so much about, so I can down spicy Mexican food and margaritas without fear of a flaming backlash.

While I’m at it, I’ll check the McStud-Muffin display for some new shins fabricated from the latest high tech alloy. Every time I’ve tried to jog myself into shape, even after starting out ever so slowly and building up my endurance, I’ve soon had to stop due to excruciating shin splints. Oh, the pain. I’ve suffered mightily for my shins. I’m betting the McCheetah model replacement shins will have me running like a, hmmm, McJaguar and pain-free in no time flat.

Since I haven’t wished for too much yet, I’ll also spring for some new elbows from the Weapons-of-Mass Destruction Arms Control area. My last job required a lot of lifting and manipulating objects at chest height, usually with my arms held well out in front of my body. After doing this repeatedly for months, I developed a horrible case of tendonitis in both elbows. It got so bad it hurt just to lift my arms. Ouch. Since recovery from this injury has been incredibly slow, and because not using my arms at all is rather difficult, I think I’ll just get the new titanium with gold-plated trim Crowd Destroyer model elbows installed. Extra-strength and guaranteed ache-free.

Sometime over the next four years or 40,000 miles I’m gonna want to replace my old, achy, stiff back with the best Duke Wayne brand backbone I can afford. I hear that they’re developing a True Grit Guaranteed-Not-to-Fold-Under-Pressure model that sounds just right for me. With the ultra-modern high performance quick-shift spine replacement system I’ll be back in the saddle and riding tall faster than you can say “G.W. McClintock.”

My wife and kids are also saving up and impatiently waiting for the Better Built Body Parts superstore to open. They’re anxiously planning to treat me with my new and improved design-it-yourself personality upgrade. On which, as they remind me, they will select the features before installation.

Come on, medical science. I need to get on with these upgrades before it’s too late. And I bet I’m not the only one.

05.19.09

(An earlier version of this article appeared on AssociatedContent.com)

Shin splint sufferers, gain sympathy with 'Oh how I've suffered for my shins!' custom designed items in our Humor Volcano store. Both the design above and this alternative are available. Shirts, sweatshirts, undies, hats, bags, mugs, steins, and more!

Click on image to shop.

What a steep price we must pay to stay in shape.
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