Environmentalists Demonstrate Alternatives
To Toilet Paper at Sh!t-In

NEW YORK CITY – Militant ecological activist groups Greenpeas and Nutty Tree Zealots today held a joint protest in Central Park demanding a complete worldwide ban on toilet paper. An angry throng of some 500 nature lovers massed in an open grassy area and vehemently railed against the heinous slaughter of the millions upon millions of beautiful, pure, innocent trees annually used to make the ubiquitous disposable tissue rolls. The irate horde then stunned curious onlookers by collectively dropping their pants and defecating en masse on the lush green lawn. They then proceeded to wipe themselves with whatever Mother Nature had kindly provided nearby, fallen leaves, pine cones, bird feathers, dead squirrel tails, and even the coattails of passed-out winos.

For the majority of protesters who had deposited nice, firm doo-doo logs, those toilet paper alternatives worked well for the minimal anal clean-up jobs required. The less fortunate minority who passed soft, squishy poo, and especially the few who had the squirts, did find the naturally available wipes, to their chagrin, a bit lacking. Those with the highly soiled butt-cracks, thankfully, did have an effective Plan B, quickly whipping out free-range, 100% natural cotton handkerchiefs, undyed of course, completing the grimy task at hand, then carefully folding and stuffing them into hemp fiber backpacks and purses for later washing and reuse.

Sh!t-in completed, the tree-huggers then migrated beneath large banners sporting such slogans as ‘Save a Tree, No T.P.,’ ‘Stop the Axe Murderers, Ban Toilet Paper,’ and ‘Trees Shouldn't Die For Assh@les.’ The crowd of bewildered bystanders gave this now rather more aromatic protester herd plenty of space as it closed ranks and commenced to carry its protest toward the very antithesis of nature, lower Manhattan. Most event witnesses, perhaps wisely, opted not to follow the ensuing eco-parade down 5th Avenue.

How far this no-toilet-paper/natural-bowel-wipe movement goes remains to be seen. Their unique demonstration, however unusual, certainly raised a big stink in Central Park this afternoon.

09.26.09

Love trees? Make a bold statement for the environment with Humor Volcano custom designed items:

Mugs & Steins
	front	back
Buttons