MIAMI – Surely, in this era of great U.S. financial strife, an institution as All-American as the National Football League would know better than send $141 million out of this country without a good reason. Uh, apparently not, since the NFL has booked the British geezer rock band The Who to provide this year’s Super Bowl halftime show spectacular, much to the displeasure of America’s (used-to-be) working class and Washington politicians.

Leading Republicans and Democrats alike are ‘roid raging mad that the NFL didn’t select an American group in order to fully support and stimulate the U.S. economy. Senator John McCain (R-Ariz.), beet red with anger on Capitol Hill this morning, demanded a last-minute change. “Let The Who stay in England and play in their sissy football games over there. Come on NFL. Act for the national good and hire The What, a lesbian punk trio from Knoxville, or The When, a fine hillbilly group from right there in Miami,” McCain said.

Senator McCain was then practically quick-kick punted off the podium by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Cal.). “An even better plan would be for the NFL to hire Where, Why, and How, a twelve-member band of deaf and blind musicians from San Francisco who play Broadway favorites on kettle drums. They truly represent America at its finest,” Pelosi ranted. Their televised news conference broadcast was then quickly halted by the C-Span network when a bi-partisan brawl ensued.

Multitudes of U.S. trade unions, laid-off Ph.D. scientists, and unemployed American Idol losers have threatened to protest the Who performance and picket around the football stadium on game day, an act certain to create an ugly spectacle and embarrass the NFL before a world-wide audience. Yet, with screams of “Buy American” clanging in their heads, the NFL high honchos appear stunned by the Who controversy.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodfella told ESPN this afternoon that he had no idea that The Who was even foreigners, or that the U.S. was in economic trouble. “I don’t know nuthin’ ‘bout nuthin’ but football. We’s doin’ great here at NFL.Budweiser.com,” Goodfella said. “Let’s just everbody calm down and enjoy the hittin’ and the tacklin’ and the headbangin’ come Sunday.”

Should the NFL not back down and actually keep The Who as scheduled, this Super Bowl Sunday could be poised to deliver the greatest fireworks show ever, both on the field and off. Unless, of course, The Who changes their tune and offers to play “I’m Free” and more for absolutely free.

02.05.10

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