Volcanic Stock Picks for 2010

MOUNT ST. HELENS, Wash. – This being the start of a new year, the time has come for economic mavens everywhere to issue their annual stock market predictions. Fully up to the task, the crackpot future-divining staff here at Humor Volcano (HV) has used the very latest in Wall Street research to keep abreast of market trends, gyrations, head-fakes, shimmies, pogo-hops, face-plants, and meltdowns by religiously scanning finance.yahoo.com every bleeping day. After fitfully digesting these data, along with a bucket of Tums, our HV money gurus belched mightily and spewed out a colorful and aromatic stream of prognostications.

Although the second half of 2009 witnessed a significant economic bounce back from the depths of a butt-ugly recession, we don’t expect the recovery to last. Indeed, HV expects 2010 to be the year that capitalism, a.k.a. Life As We Know It, dies a hideous and wretched death caused, primarily, by the fact that nobody has jobs or money with which to pay for anything.

Couple that with the unmitigated greed, incompetence, and corruption of those at the highest levels of our economic system, and we see 2010 as the year of financial Armageddon. The 95% of Americans who’ve suffered so deeply and for so long at the hands of the upper 5% will finally take to the streets with pitchforks and torches and will riot like there’s no tomorrow.

Amidst such a background of mayhem and destruction, we do, however, predict giddy good times for a select few companies and industries. At the top of the list—the personal firearms industry. As the bulk of our modern economy collapses, the country will be thrust back into the glory days of the Wild, Wild, West. Gotta have pistols, rifles, and lots of ammo to conduct business successfully in that environment. Think Smith & Wesson, Remington, and Browning as companies to be booming in 2010.

Next on our hot list is old fogey DuPont. We like ‘em solely as the leading manufacturer of bullet-resistant fabrics like Kevlar. Demand for their lightweight and comfortable, yet highly fashionable body armor will skyrocket as Americans strive to survive the OK Corral of the new economy.

The next 2010 growth industry will be seed companies. The smoldering ruins of U.S. big business will include the food supply chain, thereby leaving hungry Americans to fend for themselves by planting and growing their own fruits, veggies, grains, and eggs. We like seed supplier Burpee, mostly due to the name.

A final hot area for the new year will be box manufacturers, particularly of the large corrugated variety. People will need inexpensive places to live after the riots, and the tried and true refrigerator box should become the housing choice of the masses.

To best implement a winning strategy for buying our 2010 stock picks, we recommend the following scenario. Sell almost everything you own as soon as possible, and clean out all your bank and investment accounts for cash. Immediately stock up on the survival goods we recommended above. Then bury all your remaining cash in the back yard or crawl space until after the riots. Finally, as soon as whatever is left of the crater that was Wall Street reopens, buy all the shares you can in our recommended industries and companies.

By the end of this calamitous year you, yes you, should be among the American rich, able to afford the biggest, most luxurious refrigerator box in your entire neighborhood. Oh yeah, good times ahead.

01.04.10

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