U.S. Outsourcing Military to India in Budget Move

THE PENTAGON – Under intense pressure following the United States’ horrendous economic showing last year, the U.S. government today announced the enormous cost-saving initiative of outsourcing the entire Defense Department, including all three armed services branches, to the nation of India. American political pundits, television talking heads, and prostitutes around the country immediately erupted with praise over the brilliance of this plan.

After several years pouring billions upon billions of U.S. taxpayer dollars into the highly unpopular Iraq and Afghanistan wars with little to show for it, not to mention the deaths of so many brave American soldiers, the nation’s elected representatives finally heeded the public’s outcry in a stunningly sublime fashion. At a cost of only 3% of its current defense spending, the U.S. can immediately bring all its soldiers home and hire highly skilled Indians to do all the fighting and dying for them instead.

Influential government critic and wildly popular talk-radio host Rush Limbaugh called this budget-saving defense outsourcing move a win-win for everybody. “India’s got what, 12 billion citizens, and far worse poverty and unemployment, so we’re doin’ ‘em a huge favor by hirin’ ‘em to fight our wars. Two, these defense jobs will bring a big boost to their economy, help ‘em feed them skinny cows. C, any unfortunate deaths of Indian soldiers will reduce their overpopulation, so that’s gotta be a plus. And four, it’ll cost the U.S. way less than continuin’ to fight all these wars ourselves. Hell, now we can even afford to start a few new ones. Iran anybody?”

U.S. incumbent politicians of all flavors are delighted over pulling off such a coup, knowing that such a definitive saving of American lives and tax dollars is a certain road to re-election in November. Moreover, as soon as the Indians prove themselves to be winners in these wars, U.S. leaders talk of building on this Indian collaboration by similarly outsourcing America’s War on Drugs, its fight against financial corruption, and its healthcare battles.

Is outsourcing great for America or what?

01.27.10