Toyota Spins Acceleration Into Drag Racing Sponsorship

DEATH VALLEY - Japan’s Toyota, the largest carmaker on the planet, today announced that it is assuming title sponsorship of stock car drag racing competitions around the world. Lauded by business analysts as a brilliant move, Toyota hopes to take full advantage of the enormous publicity recently surrounding their cars’ sticky gas pedals. Toyota U.S.A. spokesman Nok Ontrol said, “We see this drag racing sponsorship as a perfect fit to showcase our cars’ greatest asset—unbridled, massive G-force, pedal-to-the-metal, pin-your-ears-back, heart-pounding, white-knuckle acceleration.”

As several recent model Toyotas have repeatedly proven on America’s streets and highways, they clearly are built for speed. Indeed, as part of this drag racing sponsorship deal, Toyota has issued a bold challenge. They will close every racing weekend with a head-to-head quarter-mile sprint of a street-legal Toyota against the fastest car of each competition.

Spokesman Ontrol smirked, “You guys don’t stand a chance. Just yesterday in California we had a Prius bolt down Interstate 5 at 94 mph with the foot brake and emergency brake both fully engaged and without even pressing the gas pedal! Now that is speed. Our only concern is how we’ll slow our Toyotas down after the quarter-mile mark. Probably we’ll just shoot the tires out or crash ‘em into a school bus. What a show!”

03.10.10

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