New Topless Soccer League to Titillate

TWIN PEAKS, AZ - Having long groped for ways to stimulate fan interest in women’s soccer in the United States, spokesperson Bubba Feelgood of the Blueball Soccer Association of America yesterday announced the launch of what marketing gurus anticipate will be an eye-popping, orgasmic success, a new 12-team women's topless soccer league to begin play this Saturday.

"All Americans know that soccer itself is incredibly boring, so we've had to make a few major changes to the sport to surgically enhance the wow factor,” Bubba disclosed. “First, standard player dress will be only thongs, shoes, and socks. Second, we’re playing indoors on a much fan-friendlier, smaller field. And third, we're eliminating goalies.”

Feelgood practically gushed, "Nothing grabs attention better than sex, so what could be better to attract pumped up sports fans than a field full of topless, aggressive, athletic women? As proof, our ticket sales have already spurted far beyond our wildest dreams, particularly in our target age 18-70 male demographic. Plus, the smaller, arena-football-sized fields will bring the titillating action up close and personal to the fans, putting play practically right in their laps. And finally, the goalies had to go because Americans demand frequent scoring. Goalies are like condoms, they really kill the fun, so we're getting rid of them."

League enthusiasts predict that this enhanced version of the sport will expand soccer audiences to mind-boggling figures. To make certain of getting in on the action of Saturday’s twin-bill kickoff, call for tickets today. The players vow to deliver the goods and the best-you-ever-had bang for the entertainment buck come Saturday.

10.05.09

Tiger-sponsored team's warm-ups and game-wear.