Tiger Comes Clean, Admits Chasing Wilt’s Record

ORLANDO – Tiger Woods today revealed that his quest for the pinnacle of golf is but a stepping-stone toward his ultimate goal of breaking the greatest record in all of sports history—the 20,000 women bedded by former NBA basketball star Wilt Chamberlain.

Sports writers around the world have long believed that Tiger’s incredible skills, fire, and intensity were simply laser-like focused on his overtaking Jack Nicklaus to become the greatest golfer of all time. Now Woods admits that his golf achievements, while nice, have mainly served to open doors toward his even loftier true goal.

On his web site this morning, following his post-Thanksgiving driveway shenanigans and subsequent fallout, Woods decided to come clean and reveal all in order to stop the media hysteria. “As any man will tell you, getting inside an attractive woman’s pants is to achieve the Holy Grail. That’s immensely better than knocking a little white ball into a little hole across the field or pond. Wilt Chamberlain, the current world record holder, set the mark incredibly high by scoring with 20,000 women. Surpassing that mark has been my all-consuming lifetime goal, ever since I saw my first Hustler magazine at age 13. Golf is just a tool toward that end, of reaching the Holy Grail of Holy Grails.”

As the number of Woods’ publicly revealed alleged mistresses has risen to thirteen over just the past week, Woods today hinted that the total is actually higher. Far, far higher. “Let’s just say that Wilt’s record is in serious danger. If I can stay healthy, work hard, and continue my successes at a similar rate, I hope to be number one in the world well before I reach the Seniors tour. I want to put that record so high it’ll never be broken. Provided my wife doesn’t beat me to death first. I’m still trying to convince her how much this record means to me. I’m sure we’ll work something out. Anyway, GTG. Time for another putter drill.”

12.07.09

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