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I write today, my dahlin minions, for the good of your mental health.

Everyone knows humans are a social species, and if we get too sad and lonely then we do bad drastic things like lash out at others or wear ugly salmon-pink pants in the name of “irony”. To avoid this breakdown in your sanity and people skills, I highly recommend y’all getting a pet.

Having a buddy around, one with four or even no legs at all, can do wonders for your mood and blood pressure. It’s like having a really good listener live with you who just so happens to do a balancing trick with his nose and has a strong affinity for bacon.

Feeling a bit isolated lately and your lame roommate spends all his time locked up in his room playing farming on Facebook? Then read on.

Pets are excellent instant buddies.

Not just any pet will do, though. Woe unto the person who discovers a nascent fear of spiders after bringing home that tarantula.

First, find a species then a breed that suits your disposition.

Dogs are great for exercise fanatics, and some herding breeds are ideal for large families as the hounds will often corral kiddies in the yard as efficiently as a herd of sheep.

Snakes or lizards, while less popular overall, provide meaningful companionship without the messy cleanup associated with fur.

While they can be quite cute, I recommend staying away from bunnies or anything of the rodent family because they will inevitably escape their cages, breed exponentially, and/or have a suicidal gnaw on the nearest electrical cord.

The swimming of fish, meanwhile, calms the mind, and they are handy creatures for those with fur allergies.

If you’ve always secretly wanted to be an evil overlord’s henchman, then cats are ideal.

Our feline friends are independent and can be quite friendly, all with the constant reminder that in their world you are on the order of magnitude of furniture with a built-in food dispenser.

My cat keeps me from feeling too high and mighty in this manner, and counterbalances that condescension with a healthy dose of cuddles. Thus for people who don’t want clinginess and whose ego could use a reality check, cats are the way to go.

As for the non-standard animals, I offer this bit of advice. Do not name anything that you might eat later. To explain, some cultures eat animals that we keep as pets and this can be upsetting to discover. Guinea pigs come to mind here.

More to the point, creatures like chickens might make decent companions, but if you make a habit of ordering the Colonel’s bucket for lunch it may get awkward when you come home for dinner to your feathery friend.

Or from the other way around and equally as awkward, do not dub the cow “Bessie” when you plan to shortly turn her into a plate of ribs. Keep pets and food in separate categories so the mutual affection doesn’t become weird later.

To sum up, no matter your species preference, a pet is the way to go for a happy home life. Remember that even the token Crazy Cat Lady has someone to talk to—I think we can all agree it’s better to be the person talking to something animate and preferably adorable than the person talking to herself all the time, or even worse talking back.

Scales, fuzz, or other, do yourself a favor and get a pet. Your gregarious psyche will thank you, and you’ll probably get some affectionate nuzzles as a bonus.

11.12.11

tags: humor, comedy, funny, advice, sarcasm, wisdom, Dame C, pets, mental health, buddies, eat, cuddles, nuzzles