Test Tube Babies Demand Own Holiday

Considered freaks of nature, even partially inhuman, from the day they were born, they’ve been fighting tooth and nail for mainstream equality and acceptance ever since. Now numbering some 3 million worldwide, they’ve banded together and recently escalated their battle to a truly terrifying level. To appease their wretched lives of mistreatment and neglect, these legions of angry, tortured souls swear that they will accept nothing less than a full blown, glorious holiday of their very own. One complete with pretty cards and floral bouquets. Or else.

In an intense, fierce 15 minute telephone and email blitzkrieg conducted this past Monday, lobbyists on their behalf burned up the phones and computer lines of greeting card and florist executives around the world. This well-oiled and highly influential professional arm-twisting machine insisted that its much maligned clients, at long last, be awarded the ultimate sign of recognition and respect—one calendar day each year dedicated just for them. Or else.

Those powerful industries’ besieged executives, proud purveyors of such noteworthy holidays as March 20—People With Freckles Who Can’t Dance Day, and August 19—Imaginary Best Friend Day, wisely acquiesced under the onslaught. Or else thankfully averted. Whew.

Barely giving themselves enough time to get the new greeting cards and bouquets of flowers designed and shipped to vendors, the holiday czars just this morning named every August 3 henceforth to be Test Tube Baby Day. With this special day, albeit over vehement protests by bigots and creationists, all babies artifically conceived and implanted are thereby recognized as fully human beings, and thusly endowed with all the rights and benefits thereof. Obnoxious singing frog greeting cards and stinkweed bouquets included.

To further mark and lustily celebrate this year’s inaugural Test Tube Baby Day, in vitro fertilization (IVF) clinics and the adult film industry have agreed to hold a special sperm donation drive. For that one day only, adult video stores around the country will provide in-booth private skin flick viewings, completely free of charge, with all buckets of semen collected therein then donated to local IVF clinics. A truly breathtaking launch to a just and worthy cause.

07.19.10

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