Universities Refocus on Caveman Survival Skills

HARVARD – In keeping with higher education’s mission to best prepare today’s students for the world of the future, America’s leading universities this fall plan to launch an entirely revamped curriculum, newly focused on surviving the impending economic Armageddon. As this country’s elite scholars have observed our entire capitalism-based society come crashing down in recent years, most now expect our jobs- and cash-based economy to collapse into total chaos and die within a few short years. To properly prepare the nation’s youth for such difficult jobless, moneyless, corporationless days ahead, new studies will focus on development of critical individual survival skills, essentially turning the clock back to days of the caveman.

In this widely anticipated upcoming world without employment, companies, or cash, the new economy will become a very simple, ancient one: every man for himself, survival of the fittest. With the disappearance of money to make the world go ‘round, the future is expected to devolve into that of mankind’s merely eking out its basic needs of food, clothing, and shelter at the lowest level. As such, our institutions of higher learning are gearing up to teach those rudimentary necessities to today’s pampered youth.

Classes are already being designed to equip students with the crude know-how required for survival off the land. Food lectures will teach identification of edible wild plants, berries, and roots, as well as trapping and preparing native animals. Clothing instruction will cover adapting locally available materials into wearable items, from carving wooden shoes with sharp rocks to skinning squirrels and rats for pelt garments. Shelter teachings will include topics like locating caves, weaving thatched roofs, and fabricating crude tents and huts. Over will be the esoteric days of calculus, Shakespeare, astrophysics, and Keynesian economics.

In short, a cutting edge university education beginning this fall will look much the same as that at Bedrock University of millennia ago. Thanks a lot S&P 500 and Wall Street. So much for progress. 

Yabbadabbadoo!

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