Tattoo Grannies Invade Mall, Mayhem Ensues

KING OF PRUSSIA, PA – The 32-seat van pulled up to the main entrance of one of this country’s largest indoor malls this past Saturday, opened its passenger doors, and unleashed a shopping frenzy from which this sleepy little town is unlikely to ever recover. Although the van’s logo read Norris-Harley Senior Center, certainly an innocent and unassuming name, witnesses described the stampede of disembarking passengers as “tattoo grannies from hell.”

The few casual shoppers who managed to jump to safety just ahead of the onrushing crowd of blue-haired widows described a scene of utter chaos. “These little old ladies charged in, canes, elbows, and walkers flying, and trampled over everybody in their way. Way worse than the Cabbage Patch Doll Riot of ‘85,” said one security guard. “I’d never seen people so old move so fast. And they all had their arms and legs just covered with tattoos. Grandmothers! I’m still in shock.”

These elderly matrons, shouting obscenities to make a sailor blush, made a beeline to the Victoria’s Secret store, which was having a two-hour thong underwear 2-for-1 sale. These wild women nearly trashed the place, knocking aside other customers, mannequins, and sales racks to get at the thong markdown table. There, they proceeded to fight, claw, trip, poke, pull, push, spit, and bite anybody within reach.

Apparently, the battle was to grab the fishnet, mesh, and see-through thongs, which had been rumored to be in short supply. The lucky dozen that grabbed the coveted unmentionables then began taunting the others, saying, “I’m gonna get laid, I’m gonna get laid!” The remaining geriatrics, forced to grab the remaining plain pink, purple, and gold sale thongs, hissed back, “You’re ugly as sin,” and “No man still alive wants a piece of you.”

Fortunately, mall authorities called in the riot police, who quickly arrived to restore order. By shooting the crazed elderly ladies with sedative-laced darts, the cops finally managed to calm these women down enough to get them to pay for their purchases and lead them back toward their van.

At that point, the drugged, slightly loopy grandmothers began to grab for the butts and crotches of their burly police escorts. The cops were then forced to handcuff the seniors, but they had no means of preventing the women’s lewd remarks. “It’s been ten years since my Henry died. I wanna @#% you ‘til you can’t walk,” said the one sporting a big red scorpion tattoo above her ankle. Another spinster wearing an anchor tat on her forearm said, “You ain’t never been *&#^%$‘til you’ve been *&#^%$by me.” Still another, with a rattlesnake tattoo on one leg and a cobra on the other said, “I ain’t had none in 15 years. I’ll wear you out, you and your whole platoon.”

On it went, until finally the grannies were bussed back to the Senior Center, just in time for their location’s first ever evening dinner/dance, a mixer with the Westminster Widower Wolfpack.

06.30.09

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