Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Incites Nerd Attack

Once again in 2010, the Sports Illustrated annual Swimsuit Issue has elicited a torrent of angry letters, cancellations, and newsstand fire-bombings from outraged readers. In sharp contrast to previous years, however, where massively uptight prudes typically objected to excessively skimpy suits on the female models, this year the magazine has been blasted by hordes of seething nerds for not showing enough skin.

Protests are especially vehement regarding the Body Paint pictorial featuring wives, girlfriends, and big-boobed-bimbo mistresses of famous World Cup soccer players. Here, rather than sporting actual swimsuits, the models posed completely naked, wearing only amazingly realistic-looking tops and bottoms painted directly on the skin. And still the geeks protest?

Wizard Willard Wanker, spokesman for Nerd Boys Anonymous, a huge international gaming and chat room website for teen-to-twenty-something-year-old men, railed against S.I. “Epic fail on your archaic analog magazine! In every paint-on layout at least one of the smexy maidens’ sweet fountains of nectar was totally hidden in the middle page-fold, sometimes both. I’m madder than a Romulon galaxy warrior who just lost his über-buff avatar. I paid good hard cash for a hard copy, not to mention the K-Y jelly and boxes of Kleenex. And for what? We Nerd Boys totally expected extreme retinal stimulation by the damsels’ upper sexterity. But no. S.I., what gives—censorship? You’re total noobs!”

Thousands upon thousands of protests proceeded in a similar vein. “What paint-on bogosity. Eat flaming death, S.I.” “WTF? I’ll never buy a hard copy again—the page-folds hid the eye candy.” “Henceforth, it’s online only for me. At least the bits and bytes are all there on the computer screen, and in delicious Hi-Def.”

A Sports Illustrated spokesperson denied that any censorship was involved. “Enough with the nastygrams. Deliberately hiding models’ outstanding assets in the page-fold? I don’t think so. If it’s blatant nipples you dweebs want, get your geekasms with a National Geographic instead. And please, stop redirecting our website to your cyberfornicating robots.”

02.17.10

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