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KEWBALL, Nev. - Ultra-popular Skid Row economist Phil O’Dendron from the Style Channel here presents his first monthly column on looking good for less:

Every morning the alarm explodes into your brain. BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEP. Zombie-like, you trudge into the shower and fumble to turn on the water to just the right temperature. You stumble into the pulsating stream and numbly start the daily ritual. Wet hair, shampoo, rinse. Repeat. Watch out, don’t get the suds in your eyes. After the shower, more of the same routine. Dry hair with towel, comb or brush out the tangles. Ow! Oooh! Eeek! Ouch! Then you grab the hand held dryer, taking care not to electrocute yourself, and style every last hair into just the perfect location. Finally, after dressing and a quick Breakfast of Champions you step out the door to head for work. Looking good today. You’re almost to the car when you’re hit by a sudden gust of wind, and &%$!, your carefully coiffed hair disintegrates into total chaos. All that time spent to generate that perfect look has been wasted as your hairdo now resembles tumbleweed.

Hair. For most of you, it’s a real pain. You trudge to the nearby drug store to shell out large American bucks for expensive French free-range shampoos, über-costly non-antibiotic-fed German conditioners, and Swiss child-labor-free non-ozone-depleting detanglers. Every month or so, you make even more expensive treks to the friendly neighborhood barber shop or beauty salon for a tune-up trim, a bolder cut, or a spiffy new style. Then many of you dig even deeper into your already depleted wallets for a vegan perm, low-saturated-fat highlights, or cholesterol-free coloring. At the eyeball-popping prices they charge, the hairdressers must have 80-foot yachts in the Riviera. And you repeat this dollars and cents madness several times a year. All to keep your hair clean, stylish, and manageable. Oh, the humanity! Fiscal insanity!

Up until ten years ago, I went through the same painful daily ordeal myself. Then, following my wife’s provocative suggestion, I crossed to the other side and became a free man. Free—of hair. I shaved my head. And I liked the result. So did she. I was looking good. Sleek, refined, sophisticated. Oooh-la-la.

Life for me has been so much simpler ever since. I can joyously sleep later every day because of all the time I don’t spend on my hair. While in the shower nowadays, I need just one pass of the Ivory soap bar over the top of my head, a quick rinse, and I’m done. Ten seconds required there, tops. No more shampoo, rinse, repeat drudgery, yet I still emerge squeaky clean. No subsequent time spent on hair drying, no tangles, no styling, and no pain either.

Only once a week, while lathering my chin, do I also lather up my head with the Barbasol cream and shave the whole thing. Takes maybe an extra two minutes. A quick cleanup with a damp washcloth to get the last of the lather off, and I’m finished. My head’s all bright and smooth and shiny and I’m ready to face the world with the ultimate in streamlined hairdos.

With the nation’s horrific current economic recession and tight family budgets, think of all the money I’m saving by shaving my head. No more unspeakably costly hair care products or Mediterranean beach basking barbers to pay for. Just a trivial amount more shaving cream and a little extra wear on the old Gillette Trac-II razor blade. Maybe I’ll buy a Wall Street investment house, a bank, or even GM with my extra loot. Think about it, cash-starved America. You too could pocket some extra coin and join the ‘Bald is Beautiful’ minority.

As for styling, the bald look is hot. Women love to run their fingers over my smooth and shiny pate. And talk about practical, there’s zero upkeep required. My hairdo looks great no matter how windy it gets, and I never get hair in my eyes, either. When the weather requires, I can don any necessary headwear with absolutely no fear of developing embarrassing and unsightly hat-hair. I haven’t had a single hair out of place in an entire decade. Plus, with my look it’s easy to stand out in a crowd—any light makes my head glow like a shimmering midsummer sun. My kids are even willing to be seen with me while shopping at the mall.

So America, take a chance. Save yourselves considerable time, money, and pain. Go with the ultimate cutting edge hairstyle. Shave your head.

05.15.09

(An earlier version of this article appeared in AssociatedContent.com)