Humor Volcano's store commemorates a tragic day in fake news history.

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GULF OF MEXICO, 40 Miles off Louisiana - Warm, dark, wet environment? Check. Long, rigid cylinder? Check. Need to stop gooey liquid from spurting out the end? Check. Who ya gonna call? That’s right, Einsteins, Trojan Rubber Works.

For a full month after the British Petroleum (BP) Deepwater Horizon oil platform’s tragic explosion and collapse, the company tried and failed in several attempts to control the crude oil still gushing from the remaining broken pipe into Gulf waters. As authorities met again this past Monday in nearby New Orleans, credit Federal Emergency Management Association (FEMA) regional supervisor Richard Head for making the bold and ballsy suggestion which this morning ultimately proved successful and finally stopped the oil leak dead in its tracks.

As a long-time patron of the Cajun Crawdads Backdoor Whorehouse, Head was an experienced and satisfied condom user. After listening to several dubious and outrageously expensive leak-stoppage proposals, Richard took the podium and calmly recited the opening checklist. Head then pulled a Trojan condom from his wallet, tore open the wrapper, and rolled the rubber down onto his index finger. “There’s yer answer right there, y’all,” he announced with a wink and a grin.

A few phone calls and a couple of days later, a BP mini-sub, hastily renamed the Mae West, descended to the leak carrying the largest foil-wrapped condom Trojan had ever made. Upon reaching the oil-spurting pipe, the sub’s two robotic hands deftly tore open the pouch, moved the super-sized rubber over the pipe’s end, and smoothly rolled it down the shaft.

With Mae West’s lights and cameras beaming the live action around the world, officials anxiously watched as the reservoir tip soon filled, stretched a bit, stretched a little more, then held tight. Disaster over.

Shortly afterward, a relieved President Obama appeared on national television to announce that the oil leak had been halted and further environmental damage averted. He praised American ingenuity for ending BP’s “bloody serious crisis.” The President then singled out FEMA’s Richard Head, both for his exemplary commitment to safe sex, and for his brilliant insight which led to the problem’s solution. Obama closed by thanking Trojan Rubber Works for the speed and precision of their condom-customization response, the outstanding quality of their products, and “the flashing red, white, and blue studs were a particularly nice touch, guys.”

05.21.10