Struggling Pitcher Must Improve Spitting

BIG OYSTER BAY, FL - Georgia’s Booger Swamp 2009 high school Pitcher of the Year, Lefty “Smoke” Wright, rookie invitee to the Tampa Bay Rays’ spring training camp, was bitterly disappointed to learn yesterday, on the camp's final day, that he had been demoted to the team’s single A minor league squad. The Rays’ big league coaches told him that his mound mechanics, using the natural motion which had served him so well in school, just didn’t cut the cheese for a Major League assignment at this point. Head Pitching Coach Jim Hickey, who delivered the bad news, then gave Wright a stack of videos of team pitching ace Matt Garza to study.

Garza, a 4-year Major League veteran with World Series experience, is reknowned for being one of the top spitters in the game. The Tampa coaches insisted that Wright would do well to emulate Garza’s flawless and intimidating mound technique. So late last night, Wright fired up his VCR to see for himself.

From behind the mound, as soon as Garza receives the baseball, he gives a mighty snort and instantly fills his mouth with a big gob of gooey snot. Then, while walking a semicircular path to the pitching rubber, Garza masterfully works his tongue to release and mix in a superhuman volume of saliva. Finally, while staring in to the catcher for the sign, Garza, with incredible lip and breath control, unleashes a rapid fire fusillade of spit wads in an amazing rat-a-tat-tat display. One, two, three, four loogies in quick succession, each with perfect volume and trajectory, striking just beyond his foot’s landing zone in front of the mound. Then the windup and pitch.

To Wright, it was abundantly clear why Garza is considered an ace. His ability to repeat that spitting delivery, pitch after pitch, inning after inning, easily make him one of the game’s elite.

Though disconsolate, Wright, after just a few minutes of viewing Garza’s footage, knew that his own mound spitting delivery needs a lot of work. “No way do I got that kind of control,” Lefty later admitted. “Geez, sometimes slobber just runs down my chin. Sometimes it sprays in a cloud that goes everywhere. And sometimes the wind blows a gob right back in my face or on my jersey. Obviously, I got a ways to go gettin' ready for the bigs.”

This morning, as he packed for his first all-day minor league bus trip, Wright suddenly surged with confidence. “Wait a minute. I do got what it takes. Big time severe allergies! I just gotta control 'em right for baseball,” he thought excitedly. He then heaved his antihistamine pills and nasal spray bottles across the room toward a trash can. “Major League Baseball, y'all ain't seen the last of old Lefty.”