No-Brainer Strategies to CEO Riches Revealed

RICH MAN, VA - News headlines over the past year have screamed bloody murder over business CEOs receiving outrageously enormous salaries, bonuses, and perks, as well as obscene golden parachutes, and even gilded bathroom thrones, despite having led their companies eyeballs-deep into steaming, putrid cesspools of decay and ruin. While most Americans say they’re shocked, shocked, over these egregious CEO pay practices, a few determined individuals nevertheless salaciously seek to sneak in on such ill-gotten CEO riches themselves.

One petite, plucky pod of peons, all wannabe multimillionaires of uncertain intellect, firmly believes that simply having ‘CEO’ attached to one’s name automatically equates to unspeakable riches. Following this breathtakingly brilliant logic, dozens of people across the country have indeed legally changed their last names to ‘CEO’. Of course, that process is dumb-as-a-rock simple: fill out some paperwork, pay the $78 fee, and make a trip to the county courthouse.

These name-changers, having legally become Joe Schmo CEO and Jane Doe CEO, for instance, now sit smugly at home, eagerly expecting those automatic million dollar checks to roll in any day now. Curiously, this new CEO clan immediately morphed into packs of preening, pompous pricks, already stocking up on Grey Poupon and pondering which Caribbean islands to buy as soon as the money arrives.

Another hapless, hankering horde of a hundred or so, having a bit more education and business savvy, is confidently pursuing these disgusting levels of wealth by becoming bona fide CEOs themselves. The requirements for CEO status are surprisingly modest. Each of these geniuses needed only dream up a new company name, file for a business license, and pay the $100 fee. Duly licensed, these suddenly legitimate business owners then assigned themselves the coveted, almighty CEO job title and got the business cards printed to prove it.

These freshly self-minted executives sit at home, cozy in their Barcaloungers, swilling imported brewskis, watching CNBC talking heads on TV, and waiting for the Brinks trucks to back into their driveways and disgorge the millions of dollars due to all “proper” CEOs. Until those windfalls arrive, these brand-spanking new CEOs continue to exercise their superior craniums by obsessively weighing the pros and cons of off-shore tax shelter locations in which to optimally build their “mine’s-bigger” mansions.

Given such incredibly low cost, quick, and easy ways of legally becoming a CEO, it’s amazing that so few Americans have yet pursued these steps toward a certain CEO's life of luxury. Of course, with this public disclosure, no doubt millions of unhappy, underpaid, and overworked underlings will wisely take the CEO plunge themselves and finally begin living the American dream in earnest.

10.28.09

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