Top U.S. Universities Revamp,
Launch Spin Doctorate Program

MEACULPA, MA – With the calendar turning to the 2010s, America’s elite universities recognize an urgent need to revamp their educational offerings to meet the ever changing demands of the marketplace. The biggest change, led by Ivy League presidents in response to the biggest events of the past decade, will be the launch of brand new Spin Doctorate (Sp.D.) degree programs.

The most critically needed skill set exposed by recent crises is that of saving face after a disaster, at both individual and group levels. The aughts decade offered plenty of historical debacles as learning opportunities: the 9/11 terrorist attacks, pantyless starlet meltdowns, Hurricane Katrina, numerous celebrity marriage infidelities, the weapons of mass destruction war in Iraq, the Pittsburgh Pirates, and so on. The nascent Sp.D. programs’ in-depth studies of key individuals’ behaviors closely connected to these disasters, both good and bad, before and after, will prepare tomorrow’s Spin Doctors to strategically navigate all post-crisis minefields, ensure positive outcomes, and allow their clients to enjoy uninterrupted career and personal success.

Those students emerging from this cutting edge Sp.D. education will have mastered several important “How To” areas, including: how to legally skirt the truth, identify a scapegoat, feign a sincere apology, exploit words and language, distort facts, cover a paper trail, negate an electronic trail, fully control interviews, manipulate the media, launch a distracting counter-offensive, and create positive hype.

Having fully developed these powerful abilities, new Sp.D. graduates will then possess the savvy necessary to mentor America’s loftiest career professionals—S&P 500 executive, state or federal politician, hot dog vendor, TV, movie, or sports star. Most importantly, all clients of these new Spin Doctors will then have free rein to engage in any of mankind’s most hedonistic and irresponsible behaviors, confident that their Sp.D. advisers’ fallout-control skills will ensure untainted emergence from even the ugliest of potential scandals. For that, the world’s rich and famous will pay a tidy sum indeed.

Competition for acceptance into these elite new Ivy League Sp.D. programs is expected to be fierce. Ironically, traditionally coveted law, medical, and business school attendance will soon be regarded as mere fallback options as the nation’s very best and brightest students pursue this far more lucrative Spin Doctorate degree. The career earning potential of these elite Spin Doctors is truly enormous, with countless monied idiots, jerks, horndogs, and head-cases constantly in need of an urgent bail-out.

The Ivy League presidents especially wish to thank Bill Clinton, Lindsay Lohan, John Edwards, Britney Spears, David Letterman, Amy Winehouse, Mark Sanford, and Tiger Woods, along with so many others, for their leading roles in development of this new curriculum. America’s future has never been brighter.

12.24.09

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