'Tis the season! Shop here for Humor Volcano custom designed merchandise

Mugs, Steins, & More

Click Image

front view

rear view

On occasion I have been asked, both in seething sarcasm and seriously disguised as seething sarcasm, how to meet nice members of the opposite sex.

Yours truly has never had any particular difficulty in this regard, with many a handsome gentleman taking a shining to me quite without any effort on my part. However, most are not so lucky. And given the high prevalence of matchmaking sites out there that pick your soulmate based on a photoshopped picture and questionnaire only slightly more revealing than your Facebook profile, it appears I must sally forth into the world of dating advice for the good of all.

Where to begin? If you want to go the modern high tech route, lord knows there are more sites out there than you can shake a stick at (although this exercise would not help you pick one, nor decipher the real ones from the porn sites with similar names). You must divine which is the best for you in order to increase your chances of success.

Good matchmaking sites are a like a trip to the dentist—they should be thorough, helpful, emphasize your better qualities, and relatively painless. I have heard mixed results on these digital yentas; a lot depends on which site you use. Woe unto the poor lonely person looking for a real connection on bazillionsofbrainsurgeonmodels.com or cheeseloversheart.com. I wouldn’t hold out much hope there.

Another note on matchmaking sites: actually read the profiles, my dahlin’ minions. A picture might be worth a thousand words, but that won’t help you find a girlfriend if you meet her in person—only to find out she’s an illiterate country-techno-superstar wannabe and her hobby of choice is making popsicle-stick office equipment. Those little lines can make a huge difference in sensing basic compatibility, so take the extra 20 seconds and read them instead of just looking at the pictures. I mean what are you, three years old? Edit your own while you’re at it to reflect what makes you unique.

If you’re the more conventional type, right now you must be asking, “But Dame C, where can I actually meet that ‘nice boy’ my mom is always nagging me about?” Like many others, I met my Special Someone in college where there are so many single people and hormones per capita that you’re practically tripping over both en route to class.

I recommend looking more closely at your good friends or acquaintances from one of your extracurricular clubs, should you still be in that wonderful world of limited responsibility. The gossip will fly, but you’ll have a nice starting point of something in common to talk about. I hear asking someone out for coffee is the standard starting point these days.

For those of you with real jobs, the same principle applies. Everyone knows the bar scene is dead nowadays. Unless you believe the shows from MTV, which you shouldn’t. You may already have a secret admirer at your favorite hangout, the gym, or your pottery-power-yoga class. If you don’t, take a glance around and you might just find someone worthwhile.

Friends of friends are also always a possibility—assuming your friends can be trusted. (This is a big assumption which ties very closely into your friends’ capacity for laughing at your expense, their tendency to spike your drinks and food with ultra-hot sauce, and your belief system on the essence of human nature.) Again, with dating friends of friends gossip could be a factor,—because whose friends aren’t like that, I mean really—but you’ve got to be willing take risks to find happiness and some lovin’.

As a general tip I recommend dating geeks. Geeks of both genders are entertaining, devoted, and come in pretty dang handy when you need your computer fixed or all those comic book movies translated. Partially because of the latter, today’s geek is also quite attractive and hip, often sporting interesting taste in music and a swanky haircut, along with their trademark smarts.

Many of my lovely lady friends echo this sentiment in choosing their mates. Perhaps the biggest plus to a geek is intelligence. My poor brain would starve if my significant other couldn’t hold up his end of the conversation in any topic more challenging than the latest fantasy football picks. So give the geeks a chance if you get the opportunity, you may be pleasantly surprised.

That wraps it up for this month. If you’re in the market, and you probably are if you’ve read my stellar advice this long, try the tips above to find yourself that special friend. Statistically speaking, there are just way too many people on earth for you not to find one worth your time that isn’t utterly repulsive. You’re still the same species, after all.

11.29.10

tags: humor, comedy, funny, advice, sarcasm, wisdom, Dame C, dating, matchmaking, special someone, geek