Time to Shorten Major League Baseball Games, Bud

Along with famine, disease, and poverty, one of the world’s most pressing current problems is the length of Major League Baseball games.  Case in point, the 2008 World Series Game 5, which took over 48 hours from beginning to end.  Come on, Commissioner Selig.  The time has come for drastic action, so that we diehard fans can regain precious hours of our hectic lives.

Strike One:  Batters stepping out of the box between pitches. Each of these billionaire prima donnas knows that while he’s at the plate, all TV cameras are zoomed in on his pretty face. So before every pitch, he steps out at the plate, adjusts his left batting glove, adjusts his right batting glove, adjusts his athletic cup, adjusts his batting helmet, spits into his batting gloves, rubs his gloves together, shrugs his shoulders, rolls his neck, knocks the dirt out of his cleats, then repeats. Between every pitch. Just to maximize face time on TV. Ouch.

Puh-lease. Mr. Commissioner, we’re begging you, eliminate these egregious tactics by the strongest means possible—hit them in their obscenely fat wallets. That’s right, fine ‘em. Once a batter steps into the box, fine him for each transgression. Say, $100 for each batting glove or helmet adjustment, $250 per cup adjustment (little old blue-haired ladies watching on TV in their parlors don’t need to see that), $400 per spit (time to clean up your act, boys), and $500 for stepping out to begin with. Each fine should be assessed per pitch.

By levying such steep fines, these despicable behaviors will quickly come to a halt, and game times will drop dramatically. Multiply the time currently wasted per step out by the average number of pitches per game, times 162 games per team per year, and each fan will regain several days worth of his summer. A guaranteed hit with your baseball audience.

Strike Two: Pitching changes. Each one takes forever. Just because the starter is getting tired, or shelled, or the manager wants a certain lefty-righty matchup, there is no reason to induce a fan siesta before the next pitcher is ready. The relievers have already been warming up in the bullpen, or should have been, so why give them so many more pitches before batter up? Eliminate all but one.

And don’t get me started on the pitching change delay tactics—infielders’ trips to the mound, catcher’s trips to the mound, pitching coach’s trip to the mound, and finally the manager’s …time…stands…still…saunter to the mound. Ever see Bull Durham or read Ball Four? All they’re really talking about is some chick in the second row.

New rule—eliminate trips to the mound. If anybody needs to communicate with the pitcher, let ‘em do it the proper baseball way, with signs. Part of the game’s entertainment value is watching the nose pulling, ear tugging, head scratching, and belly rubbing, so give ‘em another legitimate reason to do it. And when the manager wants to make a pitching change, make him just yell it to the ump from the dugout. Given each manager’s expert yelling abilities, plus each ump’s obviously keen, super-acute sense of hearing, it’ll be a snap.

Strike Three: Foul balls after two strikes. The batter is currently rewarded for fouling off what would have been strike three by getting to continue his at-bat. The more foul balls he hits, the longer he stays at the plate (also creating more Strike Ones, as discussed earlier.) Darth Selig, make the pros play by the same strict rules as us weekend softball beer-leaguers—hit a foul on strike three and you’re out. Hang your head in shame for being such a lousy hitter, sulk back to the bench, and have another brewski. That should save another half-hour or so per game.

These modest changes alone should cut your average six hour MLB game down to a more reasonable length. Those of us living on the east coast may still fall asleep in our popcorn before the end of the game, but fewer of us will show up at work the next day totally sleep-deprived. As for the west coasters, by finishing the games at a reasonable hour each night, there may even be enough time freed up for those fans to actually talk to their spouses and kids between the months of April and October. Save the American family.

Be bold, Lord Selig. Take these game-shortening measures for the betterment of all mankind.

05.15.09

(This article originally appeared on AssociatedContent.com)

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