WACO, Tex. — In the past, postal worker Anne Griebich might have gone ballistic in time-honored USPS fashion, pulled out a Pocketbook UziTM, and started shooting up the place. She felt justified, certainly, after her boss failed to show up for her performance review for the fourth consecutive time. Thankfully, however, last Friday she suddenly had another option — a brand-spanking new Workplace Scream Room®.
Patented earlier this year, the Workplace Scream Room® is designed to withstand even the most hysterical employee meltdown with complete safety and no external disruption, and comes in 6 soothing colors. Totally soundproof, the Scream Room is the brainchild of often laid off auto engineer Joost Kolm-Downe. And thanks to recent behavioral research, which proved that high-volume cursing massively reduces stress, Kolm-Downe’s Workplace Scream Room® hit the marketplace with perfect timing.
Kolm-Downe’s very first customer was none other than that poster-child of workplace stress and hostility, the U.S. Postal Service, which last week completed Scream Room installation in its facilities nationwide. Just in time for Anne Griebich.
So last Friday Ms. Griebich, trigger finger throbbing and seething with rage, stomped into her building’s brand-new Scream Room and let fly with a 10 minute explosion of mega-decibel curses, threats, punches, and kicks. A full-blown, no-holds-barred temper tantrum smack-dab in the middle of the Waco Post Office, yet completely private and 100% safe. No one else even noticed. After a 5 minute cool-down, Ms. Griebich calmly opened the door and went back to work with a smile. Impressive.
USPS executives are already singing Scream Room praises and proudly estimate that some 120 lucky postal service employees remain alive today, just one week after installation completion, as a result. Overall Post Office morale, customer service, and junk mail delivery times have vastly improved as well.
Hearing of the USPS’s glowing Workplace Scream Room® success, organizations across America have begun clamoring for this breakthrough employee stress-relief device. Orders are now rolling in from offices, stores, and nunneries across the nation.
Ever unsatisfied, Kolm-Downe today disclosed that a Second Generation Scream Room design is nearing completion. This model will include hostility action tools — padded mannequins, fake furry animals, and portable electronic devices — all meticulously crafted for frenzied punching, flinging, biting, and kicking without inducing a scratch and guaranteed non-allergenic.
Moreover, an optional 2G high-tech, luxury version will include a floor-to-ceiling ballistic-strength video monitor loaded with life size co-worker photos for a more highly personalized scream session experience.
Better still, Kolm-Downe today hinted of a Third Generation Scream Room also underway incorporating cutting edge 3-D computer gaming technology. Behavioral scientists predict that such a virtual reality model will enable the best stress-busting anger release experience possible.
Ideally, an angry employee entering this virtual 3G Scream Room universe would be able to attack his or her workplace tormenters and blast them to smithereens using a completely personalized arsenal of the most heinous weapons ever developed. All the mental benefits of going postal with no messy clean-up afterward.
So the next time your job starts to raise your blood pressure, tactfully urge your employer to install a Workplace Scream Room® in your building. You’ll all be glad you did.
tags: satire, fake news, humor, comedy, funny, spoof, USPS, post office, Uzi, workplace, scream, room, cursing, soundproof, stress, temper, tantrum, anger, job