Scientific Proof Revealed for Why Men Stray

FALLAS, TX –Although it had long been suspected, it had never been scientifically proven. Until now. Men think with their dicks. Not all of the time, fortunately. But under certain circumstances, the dick-brain does become dominant and can lead men tragically astray. So say researchers here at Longfellow University. More importantly, their results predict that very simple steps can overcome dick-brain dominance and should keep men happily at home.

Dr. T.T. Goodhead, Principal Investigator at LU’s Center of Disgusting Behaviors, announced her group’s exciting research results at a Roaming Horndog symposium this afternoon. Right off the bat, Dr. Goodhead gravely confirmed that the anecdotal evidence of dick-brain control over men’s behavior is substantial. “Clinton, Edwards, Sanford, Spitzer, and Phillips, to name a very few public figures, each one a happily married family man, were all caught with their pants down, so to speak, in illicit affairs.” The obvious question, “Why?” spurred Dr. Goodhead’s entry into the field. “What causes otherwise intelligent, rational men to stray from their spouses and their solemn marriage vows? We had to find out,” she said.

The key to her group’s study required adapting and miniaturizing a set of cranial electrical impulse sensors to enable attachment to the head of the subject’s penis. In the initial study, adult male volunteers were shown a random series of photographs while both penile and cranial impulses were recorded.

Baseline readings, obtained upon viewing boring pictures, like a sofa, a tree, or Dan Quayle, showed minimal activity in either area. Viewing a set of asexual but interesting photos, such as a sizzling steak or a large screen plasma TV, caused the cranial sensors to light up with activity but not those on the penis. Photographs with mild sexual imagery, such as trains going into tunnels, ketchup bottles spurting, and clothed, average-looking women produced mild positive responses in both the penile and cranial sensors.

Excitement levels leaped, however, when the male subjects viewed blatantly sexual photographs, such as naked women. Amazingly, while the cranial electrical response did rise substantially, the penis head activity soared off the charts under these stimuli. “Relatively speaking, the sexual imagery caused vastly more penile electrical activity than grey-matter activity. Stated bluntly, the men’s responses here clearly exhibited dick-brain dominance, not what’s between the ears,” Goodhead said.

Given those breakthrough results, the first to clearly establish that men sometimes do indeed think with their dicks, the Longfellow team then initiated a follow-up study to probe these wrong-headed behaviors more rigorously. The previous study was then repeated with the new primary variable being the length of time since the subject’s last orgasm. Here Goodhead’s researchers found that penile vs. cranial electrical activity levels varied substantially over the time since orgasm when given the same erotic visual stimuli.

With sexual images, in the first half-hour after orgasm, cranial activity was elevated as before, while penile impulse activity levels plummeted to zero. As the time since orgasm lengthened, cranial levels remained unchanged high, while penile responses steadily increased out to about eight hours, when they again reached maximum levels. “Our physiological data completely agree with normally observed male sexual behavior—it takes a little while for men to get it up the next time, even though the mind is willing,” Goodhead confirmed.

Dr. Goodhead then breathlessly reported completely unexpected and tremendously exciting results from this follow-up study. “When the length of time since the man’s last orgasm reached greater than 48 hours, extremely high penile-to-cranial activity ratios were observed with merely the slightest visual sexual stimulation; even a fully clothed, modestly attractive or curvy female sufficed. At first, we were stunned. But then, eureka!”

Suddenly, the researchers recognized that they had found a physiological explanation for male straying behavior. “Men really think with their dicks big-time if they haven’t had an orgasm in over 2 days, and all it takes is to see a reasonably attractive female or big tits, even covered up,” reported Goodhead. “Of course, the hotter the woman, the more profound the effect. Schwing,” she said, gesturing with her hand.

Fortunately, these data also suggested easy means of male straying prevention. Dr. Goodhead proposed, “Wives, make sure your husband comes at least every other day, or it’s possible he’ll stray, as the dick-brain then rises to dominance. Handjob, blowjob, intercourse—it doesn’t matter which. Just do it. Of course, you’ll lessen that straying tendency even more by giving him an orgasm every day. Better still, make him come twice or more a day, every single day, and I guarantee he’ll never stray. It’s all right there in the numbers. You’ve just gotta keep resetting the dick-brain to zero.”

10.30.09

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