Schools Dump Academics as Seniors
Approach Jobless Futures

PRINCETON – As hundreds of thousands more Americans are laid off from their jobs each week, U.S. educators have finally reached the grim conclusion that schools should be teaching real-world survival skills rather than more academics. As a result, rising seniors, beginning this fall, will no longer struggle over calculus, Shakespearean plays, and chemistry. Instead, they’ll be learning how to live and prosper while unemployed.

First semester classes will cover such basic survival topics as:

• Choosing the ideal large appliance box to live in.
• Cities and states with the best climate for outdoor living.
• Which bridge styles offer superior weather protection.
• Cities with the best free soup kitchens.
• Roadkill cuisine.
• Dumpster diving, what’s safe to eat.

Once those basics are mastered, second semester seniors will move on to more advanced skills development:

• Optimizing locations for panhandling.
• Efficient begging techniques.
• Highway hitchhiking safely.
• Stowaway train travel.
• Fighting off poachers.

Finally, for advanced students, topics will include:

• Successful pickpocketing.
• How to hot-wire a car.
• Deactivating house alarm systems.
• Home and business break-in methods.
• Rats and cats, they’re what’s for dinner.

To our seniors graduating next spring, we wish you the best of luck and a cast iron stomach. You’re gonna need 'em.

07.23.09

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