Huge Rogue Wave Kills Thousands At UK Football Stadium

SCIEGHSEIYDDE, ENGLAND – An enormous rogue wave struck Koughenteigh Stadium during the Rancid Hooligans versus Decaying Flesheaters football match last night, leading to a scene of unimaginable carnage. Some 50,000 die-hard spectators throughout the stadium are now believed to have perished in this bloody horrible incident. British authorities are still in the process of recovering and identifying the mangled, lifeless human remains from amongst the treacherous, tangled heap of arena remains.

The killer wave is believed to have been triggered near the end of the match’s sudden-death overtime period when the homestanding Flesheaters scored the winning goal on a penalty kick at the southern, Channel-side end of the stadium. At that instant, thousands of frenzied Decaying fans seated just behind the goal deliriously leaped to their feet in unison as the ball struck the net, immediately followed by thousands more at their side, immediately followed by thousands more at their side, and so on.

The resulting roiling, turbulent wave raced around the stadium at bloody breakneck speed, growing exponentially in intensity, until within seconds the entire lower tier trembled violently and disintegrated like a wee lad’s sand castle in a tsunami. The upper tier, tragically, collapsed immediately thereafter. Bloody hell.

Although rogue waves often spontaneously arise and are frequently observed in sports arenas and stadiums throughout the world, they are usually completely harmless, even amusing. The magnitude of last night’s wave and the destruction it unleashed, however, is totally unprecedented. The largest previously known instance of rogue wave-induced devastation occurred some 15 centuries ago, when 10,000 spectators entered eternity at a Christians versus Lions match at the Roman Colissevm.

Authorities around the globe have today vowed to heighten their rogue wave detection efforts in hopes of providing an early warning and preventing another such catastrophe.

08.18.09

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