Republican Carnage Below the White Cliffs of Dover

DOVER, Delaware — The scene on the snowy sand beach below the imposing white cliffs of Dover is one of unspeakable carnage. For there now stands a reeking, rotting pile of urine and excrement-covered carcasses — First State mainstream Republican leaders all — a horrific testament to the ferocious Tea Party sneak attack at Delaware’s Primary Election polls last week.

Some 30,000 strong and armed to the teeth with pitchforks, flaming torches, and a seriously bad attitude, the über-conservative Tea Party attackers stormed onto the scene last Tuesday hell-bent on nothing less than the utter decimation of U.S. government as we know it.

With its element of surprise, stunningly superior numbers, and crushing, take-no-prisoners mentality, this religious-fiscal-right-wing army rapidly rampaged across the boring Delaware landscape and easily overwhelmed its quack-quack-sitting-duck Republican establishment opponents. By 8 p.m., the fanatical usurpers’ shocking rout was complete, and the GOP’s defiled moderate U.S. Senate candidate, long-time Congressman Mike Castle, was sailing over the Dover cliffs and into eternity. Splat.

Tragically, Delaware’s entrenched Republicans, led by GOP Chairman Tom Ross, hadn’t seen even a hint of trouble coming. Pearl Harbor, anyone? He and his Party’s mainstream followers had been so confident of a Castle Republican Primary win that they hadn’t even bothered to mount a campaign. They’d win just by showing up. A deadly mistake, literally.

To wit, just before plummeting over the side himself, shit-splattered Delaware GOP Chairman Ross uttered his now-famous last words, “I have not yet begun to fight.” Duh. Too late. Splat.

And so it continued, one-by-one, Delaware’s long-established, powerful Republican elites cast by the frenzied Tea Party crowd from the majestic Dover cliff heights onto the rocks of political insignificance below. Splat, splat, splat splat splat.

The glowing recipient of the bloody battlefield’s victory crown, an attractive, brunette, red-power-blazer-wearing Sarah Palin clone — one even grizzlier than Palin herself — was ultra-right-wing conservative Christine O’Donnell.

How Ms. O’Donnell emerged atop such an angry, crazed mob is now abundantly clear. Age 41, single, and a zealous abstinence-before-marriage Bible-thumper, she has presumably gone some 15 years without an orgasm since publicly declaring masturbation to be a burn-in-hell sin. Even a few days without one would send most people into a raging frenzy. Fifteen years, no wonder.

Despite the Tea Party’s astounding and unlikely Republican Primary win, Democrats are wisely taking O’Donnell and her far-right fringe-element supporters dead serious before the November main elections. So serious, in fact, that the radical Tea Party movement has now been revealed as the true reason behind President Obama’s early, vast troop pullout from Iraq.

Much as the Taliban and Al-Qaida terrorized and disrupted elections in Iraq, so do U.S. Democrats fear a Tea Party-led scorched-earth campaign of destruction and intimidation in our own mid-term elections. American troops just back from the violent Middle East now face the equally formidable task of maintaining peace in our own unsettled nation.

Indeed, recent rumors abound of Tea Party fanatics stockpiling rocket-propelled grenades, roadside bombs, AK-47 assault rifles, conservative finance pamphlets, and cross-shaped ‘Jesus Saves’ daggers. Moreover, just-leaked intelligence memos report that huge chicken coops in southern Delaware have been commandeered as Tea Party suicide-training camps.

So unhinged and threatening are O’Donnell’s Tea Partiers considered that the Department of Homeland Security this morning issued a nationwide Code Red alert to remain in effect through Election Day: Be afraid. Be very afraid. Above all, be on the lookout for exceptionally large chickens wearing abnormally thick vests in locations that chickens don’t normally frequent.

09.21.10

tags: satire, fake news, humor, comedy, funny, spoof, political satire, politics, Republican, white cliffs, Dover, Delaware, primary, election, Tea Party, conservative, Christine O'Donnell, Mike Castle, Tom Ross, GOP, Democrats