Prostitution Legalized Across U.S.,
Spitzer Spearheads Market Penetration

BANGOR, ME – In a brazen move designed to give rise to desperately needed jobs and powerfully heat up the flaccid economy, the U.S. federal government yesterday passed a new law legalizing prostitution nationwide. The now fully legitimate sex-for-money industry is expected to thrust millions of over-sexed and unemployed Americans back into the workforce, to pump enormous wads of money into circulation, and ultimately to blow the recession completely away.

This new legislation also aims to eliminate the outdated Victorian age stigma surrounding natural sexual encounters, as well as to destroy the market for seedy underground pimps and whores. Indeed, one of the spearheads of this burgeoning industry, former New York Governor Elliot Spitzer, plans a public relations campaign touting the benefits of a completely legal, above board, sex-for-hire enterprise. “Having now received the backing of the U.S. government,” Spitzer said, “the new private escort industry promises to maintain the highest standards of ambience, hygiene, and discretion. We further promise to provide the utmost sensory experience, the ultimate bang-for-the-buck, high-class locations from coast to coast, and the hottest, smartest, most talented service providers money can buy. And we’ll take credit cards as well as cash.”

The Obama administration stands firmly behind America’s latest economic stimulus push. After signing this bill into law, the President said, “This nation’s young graduates now have the realistic prospect of assuming an engaging, fulfilling position in this hot, exploding industry and of earning far more money than in the old days of flipping burgers or hustling magazines door to door. Plus, think of the benefit to the nation’s mood. All that grumpiness, negativity, and anger over lack of a willing partner, replaced by so many smiles and profound, widespread happiness. Is this a great country or what?”

More to come soon as the action develops.

09.12.09

Humor Volcano's store commemorates a tragic day in fake news history.

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