HARRY BUSH ARENA, BEAVER LICK, Miss. – To the crushing disappointment of their largely female fan base, the local Manhood University squad began this promising season much like the last one, with yet another depressing letdown in last night’s opening three-way action. Facing the Furrberger University Wildcats and Dill University Does at the always challenging Couch Indoor Games, the Manhood Premature Ejaculators came out strong but quickly faded, ultimately petering out and limping to a third place finish.

For Manhood, the highlight of the evening came right at the outset, with their speedster “Lightning” Rod Comer spurting to victory in the 100-, 200-, and 400-meter dashes. Comer’s wins were especially impressive since the opponents fielded fresh legs for each race, while he had to overcome very short recovery times in his incredible back-to-back-to-back in-your-face performance. Fans of pure, unadulterated speed, which last night included a vocal few, have a new hero to admire in Lightning Rod.

In the relays, the Premature Ejaculators curiously employed a strategy completely counter to conventional wisdom by using their stronger members for the opening legs rather than saving them for powerful finishes. Unfortunately, while the exceptionally muscular Manhood starters shot quickly out front in all the relays, each soon had nothing left and was fully spent by the exchange, always leaving the team in a desperate position. The Does relay squads, solid performers of an amazing array of shapes and sizes, electrified the crowd by seizing control of the mid-portions of these events. Yet it was the Furrbergers who characteristically came on strong and exploded late to ultimately bask in the glow of sweet-smelling success.

Finally, in the lengthy endurance events requiring the utmost in stamina and control, the Dill Does proved superior with their rigidly steady performances. By maintaining machine-like rhythms, the Does both started and finished strong, emerging dripping wet but smugly on top each time. Sadly, and for the 69th consecutive year, the Premature Ejaculators did not manage a single finisher in any of the distance events.

Although Manhood’s fans remained appreciative and supportive of their team-members’ efforts to the very end, they nevertheless departed last evening feeling frustrated and unfulfilled. Whether they continue to come out for play if the team’s performance does not substantially improve remains to be seen.

For M.U. coaches, the path forward is clear, build Manhood endurance. The Premature Ejaculators desperately need to find a way to pace themselves and maintain their strength beyond the early stages to have any chance of being in there at the end of future indoor meets.

Afterward, Manhood’s training staff shared their ideas to build team stamina. Although considered unlikely to succeed by many in the sport, the Premature Ejaculator coaches plan to introduce mind-control techniques (visual imagery, sensory minimization), physical training methods (heavy rubber outerwear, numbing ointments), and tactical methods (rapid start/stop/start interval training) toward this end.

The Manhood staff was adamant that their Premature Ejaculators will pound their shortcomings into submission and soon enjoy the ultimate thrill of a winning score, both for their fans, and themselves.

01.25.10

Humor Volcano's store commemorates a tragic day in fake news history.

Coffee bean supertanker sinks. Oh the horror! Mugs & steins
	Front	Back