Study Shows Porn May Prevent Alzheimer's

LAS VEGAS – Health care researchers, having long recommended regular “brain exercise” to stimulate brain health and keep Alzheimer’s at bay, may now have a superior alternative. Earlier this week, at the annual Alzheimer’s Disease Research Symposium, the U.S. National Institutes of Health (NIH) revealed the most powerful means of whole brain stimulation yet found: viewing pornography. These latest NIH study results predict that a dose of 15 minutes of porn per day, 4 to 7 times per week, delivers safe and sustainable levels of cognitive strength training and neuroprotection, and is now believed to be the ultimate weapon for Alzheimer’s prevention. Perhaps the biggest surprise, however, was the disclosure that the protective benefit appears to be greater for females than males.

Previous studies have established that Americans, unfortunately, generally avoid performing active mental exercises, like crossword puzzles, because “it’s hard work,” thereby leaving themselves at greater Alzheimer’s risk. As a result, researchers in this NIH study turned to passive means of brain stimulation, hoping to deliver similar mental protective benefits, but not be perceived as “too hard” and again lead to poor compliance.

The NIH thus studied a broad cross-section of Americans, ages 43 to 103, monitoring brain activity levels while given a variety of passive stimuli, from music to lectures to pictures to TV shows to movies. “Most passive stimuli registered only mild responses on the brain scans,” said study leader Dr. Sarah Bellum. “About as stimulating as a purring cat. But when we showed the porn videos, subjects’ brains lit up like Fourth of July fireworks, for women even more than men. What’s even more exciting, the cerebral activity levels rose above even those of the active brain exercises like crosswords. And the subjects loved it, even begged for more. Porn looks like the anti-Alzheimer’s drug the world’s been looking for.”

Pharmaceutical companies worldwide, upon learning of these NIH findings, are clearly distressed that they didn’t first discover a magic pill to defeat Alzheimer’s. Nevertheless dying for a piece of the action, these drug peddlers vow to do their utmost to meet the public’s Alzheimer’s prevention needs via this NIH breakthrough form of treatment. Already the industry’s giants have made licensing deals with leading porn producers: Pfizer with Hustler Enterprises, Merck with Penthouse, Abbott with Playboy, and Lilly with Adam & Eve. Look for these companies’ co-branded “recommended by doctors” porn videos on drug store shelves by Friday.

Health insurance companies, as usual, are expected to put up a fight against paying for this novel Alzheimer’s preventative therapy. They particularly object to the high recommended brain stimulation video dosage levels, stating “one porn flick a week has always been enough for us.” These companies demand further hard-core proof of the benefit delivered before they agree to full porn coverage.

The adult film industry, on the other hand, is fully aroused by this sudden pro-health development. “We always felt we delivered a healthy and beneficial product,” said porn sexpert Kitty Kitty. “Now it’s finally been scientifically documented. Our ‘healthcare practitioners’ promise to screw their brains out to protect the brains of all Americans from that nasty Alzheimer’s disease.”

07.12.09

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