Gulf Region Alarmed by Plummeting Babies

BUGGERED, Miss. - Among the untoward effects of the Gulf of Mexico oil rig catastrophe comes today’s report that birth rates all along the spill-affected coastline have curiously fallen to near zero. Birthers For A Better America, an über-patriotic group of U.S. birth certifiers, this morning alarmingly announced that “ain’t but a handful of babies got borned within 50 dad-gum miles of the shore all the way from Louisiana plumb over to Florida” ever since the April 20 Deepwater Horizon disaster. “Them commie BP foreigners done screwed us up royally.”

U.S. Government authorities, admittedly mystified by the data, insist that the plummet in childbirth numbers is not due to a lack of pregnant women in the area. Numerous local voyeurs, rather, clandestine informants confirm that thousands of luscious, heavy-breasted, big-bellied full-term-, and truly enormous past-due expectant moms-to-be, each one surlier than the next, are still to be found ponderously waddling all across the four state region. Indeed, weary, tormented merchants and fathers-to-be are pleading with officials for an urgent solution to get these babies delivered ASAP and end these women’s relentless crabbiness and harassment.

Environmentalists and naturalists assertively attribute the lack of births directly to the leaking crude oil washing onto beaches and into marshes throughout the Gulf. Certainly, untold numbers of coastal inhabitants have already been coated with the thick, gooey tar, leaving most unable to function normally, and many tragically dying or already dead. Shirley Eujest , 64, spotter for the Biloxi Birders and Birthers, summed up the situation succinctly,”What few storks are still alive can’t fly no more. No storks, no babies. Simple as that.”

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