Phillies Offer Fans Apology For Winning

CITIZENS BANK PARK – The Philadelphia Phillies front office today issued a sincere apology to its legions of die-hard fans. Following yesterday’s victory over the Colorado Rockies, the team now stands a whopping 16 games over .500 at 61-45, and leads the National League East by an enormous 7 game margin. This success, fresh on the heels of last year’s World Series championship, has pushed Major League Baseball’s all-time losingest team’s fans into gut-wrenching psychological territory. Knowing that its fans are much more accustomed to losing, the Phillies organization begged forgiveness for pushing followers far out of their comfort zone.

Team spokeswoman Vanna Ticch this morning painfully addressed the media. “We know how upsetting this winning has been for our true Phillies fans. With each additional victory putting us farther and farther ahead, we recognize that your stress level is growing dangerously high. None of us are used to success. We just don’t know how to handle it. And we’re very uncomfortable with this bizarre feeling of happiness. So starting with tonight’s game, the Phillies will offer a temporary solution.”

To help bring first-place Phillies fans down from cloud nine to a more familiar level of pain and suffering, the team has set up a special booth on the main concourse behind home plate at Citizens Bank Park. There, free of charge, the Phillie Phanatic will whack fans with a baseball bat right in the shins. The team hopes this small gesture will appease fans for their discomfort due to its recent dizzying success.

08.07.09

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