Sniffing the Trail of Sarah Palin’s “Higher Calling”

WASILLA, AK – On Friday, July 3, the eve of the most patriotic day of the year, former U.S. Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin announced that she will soon resign as Governor of Alaska “for the good of this great state and this great nation.” While stating that she had received a “higher calling, you betcha,” Gov. Palin, with a wink toward the camera, coyly refused to provide any details regarding her future plans.

Palin’s wise political opponents, who are many, immediately subpoenaed her phone records, hoping to pinpoint the “higher caller” and deduce the contents of the secret message. However, since this summary of her recent private and office phone conversations established only connections with family members and a handful of Governor’s office staffers, these opponents remain mystified as to the “higher caller’s” identity. “Perhaps the critical conversation was held from a public phone in a deliberate attempt to prevent detection,” they suggested with a tone implying a conspiracy. Clearly, this group is worried as heck about how her future may impact them.

Soon-to-be-ex-Governor Palin’s allies, on the other hand, are hopeful that her “higher calling” means pursuit of the 2012 Republican Presidential nomination. They note, with particular glee, that Palin purchased a top-of-the-line pair of long distance running shoes “with her own money” during a recent trip to New York City. Since they weren’t running snowshoes, making them useless in Alaska, friends are confident that she’s heading for the Lower-48, and more precisely, Washington D.C. Her pals acknowledge that it will require “pretty much the entire next four years” for Palin to cover that much ground from Wasilla while jogging. “She’ll be in great shape when she gets there, though. You betcha.”

Still others, the Palin agnostics, speculate that she’s stepping down from her Alaska office now, while still a hugely popular national figure, in order to cash in big time on her celebrity status in an otherwise dismal economic recession. These individuals believe that Palin’s “higher calling” equates simply to a dogged pursuit of the purported Dollar Almighty. “She could embody Yankee capitalism at its best and achieve the Pearly Gates of Prosperity,” they admit. “Or not. We simply don’t know.”

A final group, however, believe that Palin’s “higher calling” is just a blatant attempt to mimic the success of the man who defeated her in the 2008 election, current U.S. Vice-President Joe Biden, in her ongoing quest for power and fame. Spotted recently prowling the back roads of Smyrna, Delaware in a pickup truck complete with gun rack and 12-gauge shotgun, Palin was rumored to be house-hunting. Now that Biden has proven that Delaware residency is the stepping-stone to the second-highest office in the world, the position she so coveted one year ago, Palin likely concluded that moving to the First State must be her next key strategic move toward the top. Smyrna residents, when quizzed about possibly gaining such a celebrity neighbor, uniformly replied with amazing calmness, “Sarah who?”

In the meanwhile, at least, all the American public can do is wait and speculate. What will Sarah Palin’s “higher calling” prove to be?

07.07.09

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