Gems of Wisdom (& Stuff)

Office Fashion is out to get us. Assuming there is such a thing as “Office Fashion.” The department stores would have us believe that this is the case, and yet after a significant recent shopping trip I can assure you that its credibility is dubious at best.

Knowing the essentials that I needed, this expedition into work-wear still took a good three hours of searching, trying things on, and spending way more money on clothes than ever before (and not in the fun way).

Simple, clean pieces are remarkably hard to find. Case in point: I spent twenty minutes in a major department store called—let’s say Shmacy’s—picking through their allegedly most sleek and fashion-forward line. I ended up finding zip; not a single usable item appeared for my efforts. This dilemma is not store-specific.

The very core of Office Fashion is hopelessly a problem for the ladies. For men, to be workplace appropriate means a very basic wardrobe of two combinations: polo/button-down shirt A + slacks B or, for the more upscale workplace, suit C + tie D. These mandates can be met with ease given the ubiquity in stores of each part, and are readily observable in the American workplace.

And don’t give me that, “Oh no! What tie goes with this shirt?” Yes, that must seem an insurmountable challenge of decision. Give me a break. It’s still a breeze for shopping and dressing first thing in the morning.

Alas, for women this is not the case at all. What are we expected to wear? Good question. I assumed that the neat look of button-down shirts and nice pants was the standard and would be therefore quickly found in any sales locale. How wrong I was!

As women worldwide have come to expect, clothing designers secretly hate us and are up to dastardly designs to enact their spite. Well-cut button-down shirts for women at present sport more ruffles than a wedding cake. The numerous other shirts of less certain make blare the icky colors “camel” and “acid green” like a merit badge, and dang it, YOU WILL WEAR IT FOR THEY DECLARE IT TO BE SO.

To add to this dilemma, I found not one, but five different types of black pants that theoretically fit my requirements and not a single pair fit. You see, in reverse of the trend of the early 2000’s where pants hung so low that white collar types risked plumber’s butt at the office, those wicked designers are now out to makes us wear uncomfortable styles that creep so far up our hips that 1950’s conservatives might find them quite trendy.

This incident was particularly disheartening to me, branded as I am for reasons unknown with the terrible memory of my elementary school librarian with pants up to her waist and belted to keep it all in, fabric bursting in all directions with the squished fat deposits trying to free themselves of their olive-colored prison. Simply awful.

To boil the problem down to its essence, there is no definition for what women should wear at the workplace other than jeans are a no-no. Unless it’s casual Friday, which to the best of my understanding means whatever you normally wear plus that one pair of nice jeans now pressed into your job wardrobe, forever cursing them through association.

The only normal guidelines are loose to the point of annoyance; you either cover as much of yourself as possible in starched and non-breathing fabrics like the aforementioned librarian, or you wear blinding colors, scandalously short skirts, and low-cut tops in the name of fashion. The latter gets you style points but it docks you morale because coworkers think you’re a skank. Not to mention the severe blisters from the stiletto shoes.

The choice is ours: boring or slutty. Oh joy. Thanks. I wonder what I’ll wear to work on Monday… Reverse drag is work appropriate, right?

09.27.10

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