Obama Sells Schoolchildren On Hard Work, Aging, Death

THE WHITE HOUSE - In a televised speech beamed to schools around the country yesterday, President Obama exhorted the nation’s kids to stay in school, work hard, and prepare themselves for jobs of the future. He then went on to describe what those jobs of tomorrow are likely to be—mostly dealing with the dying generation of baby boomers. “Think about your Gramma and Grandpa,” Obama said. “One day soon their teeth are going to fall out, they’re going to need a motorized wheelchair, and then they’re going to die a wretched and hideous death.” The millions of school children watching and teachers alike were visibly moved by these powerful opening remarks.

The President continued, “Your grandparents, your doddering old aunts and uncles, and even that creepy hunchbacked elderly gentleman down the street who always shakes his cane at you, they are all counting on you kids to invent, build, and run the things needed to ease their tremendous pain and suffering until they finally die. And then to respectfully dispose of their lifeless, rotting bodies before the rats and vultures can eat them.” From coast to coast, the kids’ outpouring of emotion, obviously strongly connecting with the words of this nation’s chosen leader, was far greater than anyone could have dreamed.

President Obama then provided a list of critical skills and growing career areas for the youngest generation to consider and strive toward. “Do you like cars? You could be a hearse driver. Do you like to build things? We’ll need more and more funeral homes, nursing homes, hospitals, and ambulances. Like to do things outdoors? There will be millions of burial plots to be dug in cemeteries across this great nation. Do you like chemistry? You could embalm dead people’s corpses. Like gadgets? You could make pacemakers, hearing aids, false teeth, and electric wheelchairs. Are you good with people? You could work in a funeral home comforting the loved ones of the freshly dead. Do you like numbers? Old people need help with estate management, and then liquidation of assets after they die. Like religion? There’s gonna be lots of funeral services to conduct. Maybe also save a few old souls from eternal damnation in the fires of hell. How about fashion and beauty? Corpses need make-up and nice clothes before lying in an open coffin so people can gawk at them. Like woodworking? Think casket making. Medicine? Big growing need for geriatric doctors. Or do you like to cook? You could run a cremation oven to turn those dead bodies into keepsake piles of dust.”

As President Obama reached his closing remarks, his call to action had generated near bedlam in his national school audience. He ended, “You kids have so much to look forward to. It’s a great time to be in school. So study hard. We’re counting on you.”

09.10.09

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