Where annoying facts don't get in the way of a good story

OSHAKOSH, Wisc. - The U.S. Congress, along with national workplace health and safety watchdog OSHA, last month threatened a total shutdown of the entire National Football League due to its egregious record concerning player safety. As OSHA forcefully argued, virtually every professional football game ever played has caused severe injuries to some participants, frequently including concussions, torn knee ligaments, cracked bones, and broken fingernails, to name just a few. Tragically, former players often wind up as hobbled, mangled, mental vegetables from these injuries. According to the Obama Administration, such blatant violation of longstanding government health regulations will no longer be tolerated.

Completely unable to deny the danger of the sport, NFL executives, players, and coaches, after intense negotiations with the government, today announced an agreement to save the league by instituting profound rule changes, effective next season. Although critics fear that the very soul of the game will be destroyed by these changes, all parties acknowledge that player safety must be of highest priority. As a result, the central, most critical rule change to be introduced will be that flag football replaces tackling.

For the same safety reasons that children play flag football in physical education classes, so will the NFL move to protect its combatants. No longer will a ballcarrier’s progress be allowed to be stopped by a teeth-rattling lights-out tackle. Instead, each player, outfitted with a belt holding 12-inch-long plastic strips Velcro-attached on each hip, will be considered stopped when a defender tears the flag off his belt (or he is forced out of bounds). The defense’s role will be defined as stopping the advance of the ballcarrier’s flag, not the person. To further maximize player safety, any and all aggressive physical contact with the ballcarrier will be penalized.

Since the referees’ penalty flags have traditionally been colored bright yellow, the new players’ flags will be alternate but still highly visible colors. Current plans call for visiting teams to wear pink flags, while home teams will wear chartreuse. All players will wear the flag belts, a necessity in the event of a fumble or interception. Premature deflagging will be penalized as well.

While the switch from tackling to flag football seems certain to vastly reduce the violent collisions which lead to severe injuries, all physical dangers associated with pro football admittedly will not be eliminated. Blocking will still be allowed, and as long as players continue to jump, run, twist, and turn, the occasional pulled muscle, sprained ankle, or skinned elbow will always be a possibility. That level of risk, says OSHA, is perfectly acceptable.

So be sure to tune in when the new U.S. government-safety-approved pro football season kicks off next September. Heart-stopping excitement (figuratively speaking, of course) is certain to soar to new levels as the NFL begins its new, healthier life as the NFFL, the National Flag Football League.

11.24.09

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