WILMINGTON, Delaware — “All I did was reach into my mailbox, then bam!,” local resident Jacques Rasoir shakily told our Humor Volcano reporter earlier this afternoon, on the eve of the 2010 mid-term elections. “Next thing I know, I’m a bloody mess and all I see is that Christine O’Donnell woman’s Cheshire cat grinning face, just staring at me.”
Finally, a full 45 minutes after the incident, Rasoir regathered his wits enough to seek treatment. Blood still dripping from a grievous injury, Jacques just managed to reach the triage center behind his bathroom mirror in time. Steeling himself against throbbing pain, Rasoir bravely plunged the afflicted wet, crimson-colored area into an icy cold stream of cleansing water.
Fearing the worst, Rasoir forced himself to gaze down upon his trembling injury. “Oh...my...God.” There, just above the nail of his left index finger, was the source of his excruciating O’Donnell-inflicted trauma. A wicked paper cut, one of his worst ever. “Curse you, Christine O’Donnell!”
Summoning the strength of 1000 men, Rasoir ripped open a Band-Aid wrapper using his only remaining good hand and his slightly misaligned but recently whitened teeth. He then clumsily removed the adhesive backing and, fully determined not to let Ms. O’Donnell get the best of him, struggled to wrap the Band-Aid over the cut without passing out.
For two long, seemingly interminable minutes, Rasoir applied pressure to the injured area with his thankfully still functional left thumb in a desperate attempt to stanch the bleeding. At long last, he sighed. “Thank you, Jesus!”. No more blood. He had survived the O’Donnell sneak attack.
Lucky to be alive after such a vicious assault, Rasoir, a registered Democrat, was so stunned he could at first only mutter, “Why me?” Then he began to wonder in horror, “Maybe I’m not the only one!” Is Delaware Republican U.S. Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell so desperate that she’s attacking Democrats at their mailboxes across the state?
By quickly then calling us here at leading Internet news purveyor Humor Volcano, Rasoir hoped to warn other Delawareans in time to save them from similar attacks at the hands of frenzied Senate candidate O’Donnell. Since our solemn mission is to serve our fellow citizens to the utmost, we at Humor Volcano hereby urgently beg our readers to help us spread the following warning as quickly and widely as possible.
TAKE EVERY PRECAUTION WHEN HANDLING THE CHRISTINE O’DONNELL STIFF, GLOSSY CAMPAIGN AD MAILER AS YOU GATHER TODAY’S MAIL. Otherwise you, too, could tragically wind up victim of a heinous Christine O’Donnell sneak attack.
tags: satire, fake news, humor, comedy, funny, spoof, Christine O'Donnell, Republican, Delaware, Democrat, blood, election, injury, sneak attack, campaign, Senate, candidate, mail