BEAVER PAW, Ore. — “Oh my. Oooohhhh. Oh, Jesus! Praise the Lord! Hallelujah! Oh God...oh God...OH GOD! YES! YES!” Trembling hands clutched to her suddenly heaving chest, Sister Nevva Haddenny collapsed to her knees as soon as the TSA agent’s pat-down reached the nun’s groin area.
Such was the scene described by travelers at Virgin Airlines Security Checkpoint O at the Eager Beaver Airport around 10 am this morning. As the bewildered , flush-faced Sister slowly regained her composure and struggled back to her feet, startled onlookers nearby nodded, cheered, and several even shouted “Amen!” They knew they’d just witnessed a historic event, possibly the nun’s most religious experience ever.
The TSA does sheepishly admit that similar events have become increasingly common at airports across the United States since their more intrusive anti-terrorist screenings were initiated a few short weeks ago.
“Usually it’s the little old ladies going off, especially the nuns. Guess they’re just not used to being touched there. As a precaution, we try to take them off to the side, out of view, but everyone still hears them,” said TSA spokeswoman Ima Mollester. "Wow, can they make some noise! It's like they saw God or something."
When questioned shortly afterward, Sister Haddenny did not complain in the least about the Agency’s aggressive bomb-detection tactics. “If that’s what they have to do to make it safe for me to fly, I don’t mind at all. In fact, I think I’ll start flying even more often. Praise Jesus!”
tags: satire, fake news, humor, comedy, funny, spoof, TSA, pat-down, God, Sister, nun, groin, Beaver, orgasm, fly, airport