NADS COVE, Northern Territory, Australia — Sex sells. This simple maxim, a basic rule of advertising and business success, apparently holds true everywhere on earth except the tiny beach town of Nads Cove, Australia. Not that they didn’t try.
But first, a little background. Nads Cove had been slowly dying for years. Despite the town’s idyllic beaches and year-round beautiful weather, it was too remote. Ungodly miles and hours from anywhere remote. As a result, tourists were always hard to attract, and locals moved away as soon as they graduated high school. That left only a population of 3000 determined beach lovers, all at least 45 years old. Like we said, a dying community.
Desperate to drum up new business, last year the town’s geezer civic leaders joined heads to develop a sure-fire new tourist attraction. Of course! Duh. Nads Cove would entice hordes of horny visitors and their even more alluring cash by flaunting a ‘Sex Sells’ mantra. The town would allow, in fact encourage, public nudity anywhere and everywhere. Hubba, hubba.
New laws were written, new ordinances passed, and six months ago Nads Cove invited the world to come visit, leaving their clothes and worries behind. “G’day mate. Look how glad we are to see you!”
Sure enough, no sooner had their enticing ads hit the airwaves than ogling tourists starting rolling in. Within two days every room was booked, the beach was packed, and nary a stitch of clothing was in sight.
Giddy, arousing times, right? Uh, no, because almost immediately the problems started.
Right off the bat all those acres of freshly exposed flesh attracted bugs — biblical swarms of biting flies and mosquitoes, which descended on Nads Cove for a free all-you-can-eat buffet. Not even a head to toe dousing with the strongest insect repellent chemistry could invent could keep the ravenous airborne attackers at bay. Anyone outdoors and above water was reluctant host to a moveable bug feast.
Those who were brave or foolish enough to remain outdoors in their birthday suits soon faced another annoyance — hyenas. Laughing hyenas. Hysterically laughing hyenas. Laughing at them.
No, the hyenas didn’t attack or chase anyone, since they normally just scavenge for the random corpse or roadside entrails. Rather, packs of 50 or more hyenas gathered atop the dunes, pointing and shrieking hysterically at the grossly unfit and unattractive naked human bodies on the beach in front of them. Having one’s fully exposed private parts provide great amusement for local wildlife doesn’t exactly do wonders for one’s ego, or vacation enjoyment.
The final blow to Nads Cove’s ‘Sex Sells’ nudity campaign can be sadly ascribed to the locals themselves. All being middle-aged or more, the townsfolk had unfortunately lacked the foresight to tone themselves up before inviting the world to gawk at their scenic natural wonders.
Everywhere the tourists ventured in town, be it gift shop, restaurant, tavern, whatever, stood an elderly, wrinkly, lumpy, saggy — Oh the humanity! — townsperson wearing nothing but a smile. Dampened visitors’ appetites, to say the least.
In short, what tourists did visit Nads Cove to go au naturel quickly made a beeline back out of town never to return again. After six months of crowds rapidly dwindling to nothing, the city council finally put their clothes back on and threw in the towel on nakedness.
Last Friday’s Nads Cove board meeting ended with a unanimous vote once again banning nudity in public. Sex didn’t sell, not in Nads Cove. From that moment on, nudity in Nads Cove would only be allowed where God had intended it, on the Internet.
tags: satire, fake news, humor, comedy, funny, spoof, nudist, public nudity, beach town, Nads Cove, tourists, hyenas, sex sells, nakedness