Notre Dame AD Consults Big Guy Upstairs
For Weiss Replacement, Gets Legend

SOUTH BEND, IN – Following yet another embarrassing loss by the University of Notre Dame football team last weekend, the school’s deeply religious Athletic Director (AD) Jack Degipper kicked off a long and soul-searching talk with The Big Guy upstairs. After two full days huddled in intense discussions, Degipper finally staggered back down with a decision. The AD then typed up a Twitter message to his embattled five-year head football coach Charlie Weiss telling him that he was summarily fired, but would still be paid the $60 million owed over the 6 years remaining on his contract. The freshly canned coach promptly Twittered back, “OMG. OK. CRBT.* CUL8TR d00d.”

That part finally over, the holy AD then scurried back upstairs to discuss what to do next. With his usual patient foresight and wisdom, The Big Guy asked Degipper what characteristics his ideal new head football coach should possess. Degipper responded, “He should win every football game at the University of Notre Dame and bring us the national championship every year. He should also be brilliant, good-looking, media-savvy, honest, squeaky clean, charismatic, humble, and an excellent fund-raiser.” The Big Guy shot back, “You won’t find a living soul on this earth who can meet those requirements. Only God Himself could do all that.”

The Athletic Director fought back, “Notre Dame is the No. 1 Catholic school in this, the greatest God-fearing country on earth. We demand the very best this time. We won’t stand for any more mediocrity. God help us. Pretty please.” The Big Guy finally relented. “Very well then. I’m flattered by your insistence. The University has films and transcripts of every word I ever uttered. Get the school’s genius science nerds to whip up a holographic likeness and program it with artificial intelligence using those speeches. When that’s done, call a news conference to tell the world that Knute Rockne has returned to coach Notre Dame football. Since you’ve so devoutly worshipped me all these years, I’ll go back out there and win one for Degipper.”

*For acronym translation, see http://www.netlingo.com/acronyms.php

12.03.09

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