Bill Kicks God Out of DC

WASHINGTON, DC – After well over two centuries, the dream of this nation’s founding forefathers of a federal government completely separated from religion has finally been achieved. Many years of intense Congressional lobbying by Government Without God (GWOG), based in Chapel Hill, NC, paid off this week as President Obama signed a new bill banning any use or practice of religion in the U.S. government. "God has no business trying to run this country. I’m in charge now,” said Obama. "Plus, His track record hasn’t been so good up to this year.”

Changes as a result of this bill will be felt in myriad areas across this great God-fearing land:

• The words “under God” will be removed from the Pledge of Allegiance, returning it to its pre-1954 text. Every American beyond kindergarten age will be required to attend a re-indoctrination session to memorize the amended wording.  There will be a test.

• All types of prayers will be forbidden at any government function, a massive step toward improved time-management and government efficiency.

• Witnesses at court trials will no longer be required to swear that they are telling the truth “so help me God” with a hand on the Bible. Each person will now be allowed to choose whomever or whatever they wish to swear to, from the ashes of their beloved dog Fifi to their favorite pair of comfy argyle socks.

• The motto “In God We Trust” will be stricken from all U.S. currency, replaced by the more universally applicable “In Greed We Trust.” Old coins will be recycled and reminted with the new motto more prominently emblazoned. Old bills will be shredded and used to stuff new mattresses for our ever growing prisoner population.

• Christmas, with its obviously deeply religious association, will, however, still remain a national holiday, to the surprise of many. After intense negotiations, doubtless due to its major importance to the national economy, its holiday status was kept only after formally changing the day’s name to Xmas.

GWOG officials were thrilled with the passage of this bill and its incipient changes. GWOG Chairwoman Mary Q. Contrarie said, “Now we can focus on using the best secular ideas to reshape our government. Things like power, money, hedonism, and entertainment.” Stressing that GWOG has nothing against religion, she added, “Thank God we finally won. Now God can stay where He should be, in the houses of worship, instead of Washington, DC.”

05.27.09

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