New DEA Target in War on Drugs: Users' Brains

BRAIN FOG, ME - Finally admitting defeat in its decades-long War on Drugs of pursuing suppliers and pushers, DEA Acting Administrator Michele Leonhart today announced a complete change of targets. The Agency's new target? The user. Or more specifically, the user's brain.

Hoping to build upon the nation's success in dental health by adding fluoride to drinking water, the DEA is taking a similar chemical-in-the-water-supply tactic to attack brain pleasure centers and block the ability to get high. By thus shutting down a user's mental rush, the DEA expects recreational drug use to rapidly fall and the associated societal ills to quickly disappear. Concurrent with the new Presidential Administration, the DEA thus quietly began adding a cocktail of brain recreational drug blockers to municipal water supplies and beverages throughout the country.

Pharmacologists have long known that illegal drugs exert their pleasurable effects on the body by stimulating specific areas of the brain, known as receptors.They have also known that the brain stimulation effects could be completely shut down by addition of carefully designed chemicals which block the drug's ability to reach that brain receptor. Known as antagonists, these types of chemicals have been quite successful in helping heroin junkies cure their opiate addiction, for example.

Researchers have recently identified the brain receptors involved in users' highs due to marijuana and cocaine, and blocking antagonists have also recently been found. Finally armed with the biochemical means to prevent users from getting high from all classes of recreational drugs, the DEA at last has become able to fight the War on Drugs at the true site of action, users' brains.

Since January the DEA has been adding opioid, cannabinoid, sigma-1, and neurotensin receptor antagonists to drinking water and beverage supplies across this great country. Already illicit drug use has plummeted and emergency room drug overdose visits have fallen to near zero. Leonhart bragged,

The amazing success of this spiked water/beverage campaign has not gone unnoticed by other health, crime, and activist groups. Opponents of abortion, VD and HIV clinics, rape and incest authorities, and population control centers worldwide report intense research efforts to identify the brain pleasure center receptors involved in orgasm and the search for a matching receptor antagonist, so that they might adopt this same spiking tactic. No doubt more is yet to come in these and other areas.

06.01.09

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