DEA Takes War on Drugs to Users' Brains

FOGGY BRAIN, ME - Finally admitting defeat after its decades-long War on Drugs of pursuing suppliers and pushers, DEA Acting Administrator Michele Leonhart today announced a complete change of targets. The Agency's new target? The user. Or more specifically, the user's brain.

Hoping to build upon the nation's dental health success of adding fluoride to drinking water, the DEA has taken a similar chemical-in-the-water-supply tactic to attack brain pleasure centers and block a user's ability to get high. By thus shutting down a user's mental rush, the DEA expected recreational drug use to rapidly fall and the associated societal ills to quickly disappear.

Pharmacologists have long known that illegal drugs exert their pleasurable effects on the body by stimulating specific areas of the brain, known as receptors. They have also known that the brain stimulation effects could be completely shut down by addition of carefully designed chemicals which block those drugs' abilities to reach those specific brain receptors. Known as antagonists, these types of chemicals have been quite successful in helping heroin junkies cure their opiate addiction, for example.

Government researchers in recent years successfully identified the brain receptors involved in users' highs due to marijuana and cocaine, and blocking antagonists were also subsequently found. Finally armed with the biochemical means to prevent users from getting high from all classes of recreational drugs, the DEA at last became able to fight the War on Drugs at the true site of action, users' brains.

Concurrent with the new Obama Presidential Administration, the DEA quietly began adding a cocktail of these recreational drug brain blockers, identified as opioid, cannabinoid, sigma-1, and neurotensin receptor antagonists, to municipal water supplies and beverages throughout the country. Already illicit drug use has plummeted and emergency room drug overdose visits have fallen to near zero. Leonhart bragged, “Everybody has to drink something, and by putting these brain receptor blockers into everything, we're finally able to shut down recreational drug demand at its ultimate source. The DEA is at last prevailing in the War on Drugs.”

The amazing success of this spiked water and beverage campaign has not gone unnoticed by other health, crime, and activist groups. Opponents of abortion, VD and HIV clinics, rape and incest authorities, and population control centers worldwide report intense research efforts to identify the brain pleasure center receptors involved in orgasm, and the search for matching receptor antagonists, so that they might adopt similar spiking tactics. No doubt more news is yet to come in these areas.

06.01.09