TAMPA – Dr. Manley Mann, Central High history/math teacher, self-described football fanatic, and take-no-prisoners Head Pirate of Buccaneer Nation, this morning fired a metaphorical cannonball across the bow of the NFL. One-wooden-legged hopping mad after watching his beloved team’s season shoved off the plank into Davy Jones’s Locker, largely due to an incessant barrage of rally-killing penalty flags, Mann hoisted the Jolly Roger and delivered the following diatribe on the Tampa Rants sports talk-radio show.

Avast Ye NFL Scallywags,

Yaaarrrrhhh, football. ‘Tis America’s pastime. A real man’s sport where huge, manly muscled men be attackin’ one another hell-bent on mutual annihilatin’. A game where a rampagin’ ball carrier be only stopped by th’ brutal, lethal combinin’ of his opponent’s strength, smarts, and speed. Except’n, shiver me timbers, when he’s bein’ keelhauled by a flyin’ little pansy-yellow hanky.

That’s right, me sports fan mateys. Me rigorous analysis of th’ past season’s Bucs football games be showin’ that a whoppin’ 50% of me buckos team’s plays be nullified by th’ scurvy dog referees a-throwin’ penalty flags. It be bilge-suckin’ high time fer ye pro football rules makers be hangin’ this annoyin’, maddenin’, enragin’, momentum-breakin’, game-lengthenin’, entertainment-killin’ practice from the yardarm. We fans’ very enjoyment of a game, bein’ live or TV, be a-gettin’ hornswaggled by them poxed, pillagin’ wimpy colored hankies.

What’s we t’ do, then? How’s we t’ be takin’ th’ seadogs’ game back from th’ squiffy men in their Capri pants and their girly hanky tossin’? Two things. First, let’s ye be changin’ th’ rules and a-gettin’ rid of bunches of them lesser scurrilous-type penalties, like excessive end-zone celebratin’, illegal formationin’, and blockin’ in the back. Then, it’s best ye be replacin’ most of th’ remainin’ would-be penalties with post-game assessed fines. These simple changes’d be allowin’ th’ flow of th’ game, and everybody’s yo-ho-hos, a-be continuin’ uninterrupted. Methinks me grog then be a lots better tastin’.

Let’s ye be makin’ a committee of yer uptight-most, evil librarian-type rules enforcers be a-watchin’ th’ film after every game, then be imposin’ ball-bustin’ fines ‘stead of a-callin’ them in-game penalties. Let’s ye be makin’ th’ cost of th’ fines so dear that no player be ever committin’ th’ same foul again, amounts a-be escalatin’ by infraction severity. Me say, parchance, a $100,000 fine fer jumpin’ offside be soon eliminatin’ that addled mistake and flag-inducin’ game stoppin’. A one-game-salary fine fer them really dangerous violations, like hittin’ late or knee-breakin’ crack-back blocks, be certain a-be both cleanin’ up and speedin’ up ye games.

Ye savvy, ye shark bait NFL cap’ns? Best ye belay the gay hanky-droppin’ football era and be givin’ America back the fast-paced, gruntin’, he-man excitement we fans be really a-hankerin’ fer. Best ye be returnin’ the dainty handkerchief to its God-intended snot collectin’. Elstwise, we millions of fans be revoltin’, jumpin’ ship, and ‘stead start a-watchin’ a real blood-and-guts action-packed sport, like ye saucy lassies’ basketball. Yaaarrrhhh.

01.12.10

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