Mob Now Top Drug Chemist Employer

HORSEHEAD ISLAND, N.J. – No one has been happier watching the recent widespread terminations in the pharmaceutical industry than the Mob. Over the past few years, tens of thousands of highly educated and skilled drug company organic chemists, the ones in the lab who actually make the active drug ingredients, have been coldly and callously dumped in the gutter for any number of dubious reasons.

Ironically, these enormously intelligent chemists’ finely honed, narrowly specialized skill sets have left them utterly incapable of finding decent-paying, legitimate new employment outside the cut-throat, but increasingly moribund, pharmaceutical industry. But rather than fight illegal immigrants for whatever bottom-of-the-barrel jobs they could get, most of these chemists have instead moved underground into Mob-run, clandestine methamphetamine labs.

“After a full year unemployed, it was either take a worthless minimum wage job and give my hard-earned lab skills the kiss of death, or come here to Goodfellas Industries. What a total no-brainer,” said ‘Big Bang’ Bob, formerly of Bristol-Myers. His current labmate, ex-Pfizer chemist Frankie ‘The Flamethrower’, added, “Goodfellas is a great place to work. These people are really tight, like family. The pay is way better, and GI never lays anybody off. They promised I’d be here for life, an offer I couldn’t refuse.” Ex-GlaxoSmithKline chemist ‘Red Smoke’ Rita continued, “Unlike my old corporate job, here my bosses truly appreciate and reward me for what I do. You should see their eyes light up when I drop off a new kilo.”

With so many top-notch chemists currently making the nation’s crystal meth supply at GI, the quality and quantity of this wildly popular illicit drug has never been higher. Even the authorities are pleased with these developments. Saint Corleone’s emergency room physician Dr. Timothy Leary told us, “We used to get lotsa ODs and stiffs in here every week ‘cause of the low-grade, really crappy meth people were takin’. Now we don’t get nobodies. Gotta be some awesome shit on the streets for that to happen. Thanks, youse Pharma wiseguys, for whackin’ all them chemists. Now they’re makin’ our streets safer, and my job easier. Capiche?”

With still more drug company layoffs being announced almost weekly, GI is snapping up chemists like nobody’s business and growing at breakneck speed. Having branches in most large cities across the country, Goodfellas Industries has now become the number one employer of organic chemists in America.

With this boon in ultra-talented chemist staffing, GI is now aggressively diversifying into other lucrative drug areas, wisely taking full advantage of their considerable skills, such as making designer steroids, narcotics, and hallucinogens.

For these organic chemists, it's "happy days are here again," as they now have complete intellectual freedom, state-of-the-art equipment, a virtually unlimited budget, no red tape, and no pencil-necked geek bureaucrats with no souls breathing down their necks.

Al Capone, Goodfellas’ Chief Financial Officer, summed up the current situation. “We don’t know nuthin’, nuthin’, ‘bout why the Big Pharma Boys keep cuttin’ them lab jockeys loose, but we’ll take ‘em all. These chemists are the best thing for us since the Tommy Gun, not that I know anything about that, of course. Our business is growin’ gangbusters. We’re happier than hookers at a TV preachers' convention.”

10.18.09

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