DALLAS — Texas grocers no longer even bother to ask, “Paper or plastic?,” because they already know the answer. “Paper. Make it a double.”
Not only do Dallas Cowboys supporters now attend games with two brown paper bags over their heads, they don’t even bother to cut out eye holes anymore. Just a small straw hole for copious pain-numbing alcohol self-medication.
Such is the depth of shame for once proud Cowboys football fans, whose formerly beloved team today sports an abysmal 1-7 record at the midpoint of the 2010 NFL season.
So great are Dallas fans’ embarrassment that bag-making wood pulp demand may soon render Texas state forests into endangered species. Already there’s not a tree left standing within 200 miles of the Cowboys’ stadium.
The sole bright spot to this Cowboys train wreck season is that the Texas brown paper bag industry is going gangbusters. The rest of the nation may still be in the economic crapper, but not those guys. They’re practically printing cash. So much cash for such a low-profile industry, in fact, that this reporter suspects mobster involvement.
The utter and complete Dallas Cowboys debacle certainly bears sinister Mob signs. A stadium full of fans no one can identify. New pin-striped dark uniforms. Sudden disappearance of coaches and players. Frantic zig-zag runs, unexplainable injuries, sloppy execution, and obvious lack of effort from a team of All-Stars which had been predicted to be Super Bowl contenders. Hmmm.
Gotta give those Mob wise guys credit, at least. For sheer money-making genius, they’re sure thinking outside of the coffin in Big D.
tags: sports satire, fake news, humor, comedy, funny, spoof, NFL, Dallas Cowboys, Mob, mobsters, brown paper bags, 2010, fans