Liposuction, Bacterium to Cure U.S. Foreign Oil Addiction

LOS ANGELES – Eat up, pig out, and chow down. That’s the official word from the U.S. government, now that researchers have found a microbe which converts liposuctioned body fat into the highest grade liquid fuel ever discovered. A simple, one-hour procedure, performed once a year on the huge U.S. population of the grossly obese, is now projected to satisfy all the U.S.’s energy needs and completely end its dependence on foreign oil, says the U.S. Department of Energy.

Six months ago, after a vat of two-week-old body fat suddenly burst into flames in the collection room of the Fat-No-Mo liposuction clinic in Los Angeles, authorities were stunned to find that container after container of normally white and lumpy fat waste stored there had mysteriously morphed into a clear and colorless oil. Subsequent investigations revealed that this oil, a previously unknown chemical, possessed the most ideal combination of liquid fuel properties ever seen: high boiling point, low viscosity, air stability, no odor, and most critically, enormous energy release per unit mass upon combustion.

The key to this incredible fat-to-fuel transformation was soon identified by a crack team of government biochemists as a new class of aerobic bacterium, which they’ve named fatslobus americium (f.a.). When the researchers then learned how to control the growth and reproduction of this new wonder-bug, the desperately craved solution to the nation’s energy needs was in hand.

With the 50% of the U.S. population currently classified as morbidly obese receiving a full-body liposuction once per year and subsequent f.a. promoted fat conversion to fuel oil, America will be totally self-sufficient in its energy requirements by the end of the first year. Of course, sharp U.S. government officials immediately realized that, by increasing the country’s fat population to 75% or more, we could even become a hugely profitable energy exporting nation. Foreigners would send their boatloads of hard-earned money to us. Ka-ching.

This new fuel technology now in America’s hands is expected to provide an enormous economic boon to the U.S. and wipe out the current recession. To start, each of the 200 million lipo-donors will receive a generous payment per pound of fat donated, so the fatter the better. Additionally, billions of dollars per year will no longer be sent overseas to provide our addict’s fix of foreign crude oil, but will remain circulating here to boost U.S. GDP. What’s more, the entire American food-supply chain will receive a massive stimulus at absolutely no extra cost to taxpayers. Fertilizer makers, agricultural equipment fabricators, farmers, grocers, bakers, and restaurants will all see demand skyrocket as the country fattens up for energy with the government’s blessing.

To the millions of pleasantly plump Americans out there, congratulations. You’ll finally be sexy and popular again. You’ll also be a super-patriot by dutifully stuffing yourselves at your local all-you-can-eat buffet. Rather than the scorn and pity you're probably used to, you’ll soon be looked upon with beaming national pride as you polish off your fourth plateful of fried shrimp, stuffed baked potatoes, and butter biscuits.

So have that extra slice of cheesecake with whipped cream and chocolate syrup, half-dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts, and six-pack of Budweiser before bed. America’s energy independence and the future prosperity of the country depend on it.

07.21.09