World Court Overturns Law of the Jungle

THE HAGUE - Chalk up a major legal victory for the old, the weak, the frail, the small, and the stupid. The World Court, the highest judicial body on Earth, this morning abolished as highly flawed and blatantly discriminatory possibly the oldest law on the planet--the Law of the Jungle.

The landmark case, Connochaetes taurinus vs. Panthera leo, was argued by the African Civil Liberties Union on behalf of the meek and intellectually challenged wildebeest of the Serengeti grasslands. Utterly fed up after untold millenia of harassment and abuse at the hands (or more precisely, long, razor-sharp claws and large pointy teeth) of the odius predatory lions, the wildebeests finally sought justice at the highest legal level possible.

The evidence produced on the wildebeests’ behalf was irrefutable--a multitude of videotapes from BBC, Nova, National Geographic, and Wild Kingdom documentaries showing, in graphic, gory detail, every manner of wildebeest mistreatment by the accused lions, up to and including murder in broad daylight and heinous, unspeakable corpse abuse.

The defendant lions, no doubt realizing that their goose was cooked, failed to even appear before the Court to mount a defense. Their employer, God Almighty, claimed diplomatic immunity and also refused to appear.

The World Court justices thus unanimously sided with the wildebeests and the ACLU. In the Court’s harshly worded opinion delivered by Justice Clarence Darrow, the lions, specifically, and all predators, generally, were severely reprimanded for eons of grossly negligent and criminally egregious behavior. The lions’ continual preying on the weaker wildebeests, who, despite their best efforts, were unable to defend themselves, was decried as discrimination of the worst kind imaginable. The Justices issued an immediate “Cease and Desist” order, applicable throughout the aminal kingdom, for all types of predatory actions toward inferior living beings.

The only concession the Court granted to the lion defendants was to continue to permit “abuse of a corpse,” including dismemberment, disembowelment, even outright flesh and bone consumption, provided the body was already deceased. “Everybody’s got to eat,” Justice Barrow noted, “but food freshness is not an inalienable right.”

Despite their clear World Court victory, the wildebeests remain quite leery as they prepare for their return migration to the savanna. They, indeed every species of prey, doubt that the Court ruling has sufficient teeth to guarantee their safety, and recognize that enforcement will be difficult as well.

Fortunately, firearms and weapons industries around the world, with vocal backing of the NRA, promise to develop and deliver complete arsenals having defensive strike capabilities customized for “the little guys” everywhere. Ever more powerful guns, lasers, and tasers, in every possible size and configuration, will soon be fitted to wing, paw, fin, and feeler, so that every critter on the planet can avoid prematurely becoming someone else’s Happy Meal.

Next up on the World Court docket, Plant Kingdom vs. Animal Kingdom.

06.29.10