Delaware Expanding Landfill Into Mountain Ski Resort

CHERRY ISLAND LANDFILL – The State of Delaware just unveiled the largest and most ambitious solid waste management plan on the planet. The Delaware government will build the biggest, tallest landfill waste mountain in the world. So big--they’re targeting a height of 14,000 feet—that its upper reaches will be snow covered year around. Then, as icing on the cake, they’ll top it with a ski resort.

When challenged 6 months ago by new Governor Jack Markell to develop a proposal to become a money-maker rather than a liability, the Delaware Solid Waste Authority (DSWA) decided to dream big. As big as all outdoors big. The DSWA unveiled its astounding plan to the Governor and the general public at a news conference atop the steaming, lung-searing Cherry Island trash heap beside downtown Wilmington this morning.

“Rather than worrying about our ever-growing landfill trash pile here, so close to the city, being such an eyesore and a nuisance, we decided to venture in the opposite direction. We’re going to build a trash heap so enormous that it will literally become a brand new mountain, the highest on the east coast,” said DSWA spokesman Seymore Greenhill with obvious pride. He then explained that, as it grows, the sides will be covered with pretty flowers, grasses, and trees so as never to become an eyesore. Once its height reaches 10,000 feet, the upper slopes should retain a permanent layer of snow, then allowing the ski resort to be built.

“Of course, to fulfill this rosy dream, we’re going to need a lot of trash. So starting immediately, the DSWA is accepting solid waste from every state east of the Mississippi. By charging a substantial fee for each truckload dumped on our site, this project will become a huge money-maker for the State of Delaware,” Mr. Greenhill added. “Most Delaware residents will never have to work again. Just live off the shared trash revenues.”

When asked where a landfill of such enormous size could possibly be located, Greenhill responded, “There’s pretty much nothing of interest in Delaware south of Dover, at least away from the beaches, so we’re putting it downstate. Eventually we’ll take up much of inland Sussex and Kent counties.”

An additional benefit from this trash mountain will be provided by installation of methane gas-collecting piping throughout the heap’s growth. A product of normal organic matter decay, this gas will provide abundant, free fuel to Delmarva Power, leading to very cheap electricity for all state residents, plus another State revenue stream from selling its surplus energy to neighboring states. Greenhill went on, “Since it takes once-living plant and animal matter to decompose and make the methane, we’re once again happily taking all types of discarded materials at this new landfill. Lawn and yard waste, road-kill, dead livestock, chicken feathers, manure, Grandma Bertha, may she rest in peace, whatever. Our previous Cherry Island-type ban is null and void.”

The ultimate payoff for Delawareans will come in several years, once the trash mountain reaches its full 14,000 feet and is completely landscaped and snow-capped. Greenhill beamed, “Then, much like residents of Seattle or Portland, we’ll all be able to look out our windows and see a beautiful, breathtaking, majestic Delaware equivalent to Mt. Rainier or Mt. Hood. And just imagine the skiing. We’ll be a world-class destination.”

Governor Markell was overcome with emotion at the conclusion of the DSWA presentation. “It’s a win-win proposal for everybody. Delaware will once again proudly be the first state in a monumental achievement,” he said. “Let’s get those trucks dumping.”

09.04.09

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