Large Hadron Collider Proves God Exists

GENEVA—Amen and hallelujah! Upon ramping the proton beam power in the Large Hadron Collider up to a new world record of 3.5 TeV late last night the High Energy Particle Monks at CERN have, at long last, confirmed the existence and identity of the elusive God Particle. Praise be unto the Lord on High! This Glorious Finding was accompanied, most would say gloomily, in yet another instance of nature’s Really Big Law—‘For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction’— by the concomitant initial observation of the insidious Satan Particle.

Located far below ground in a giant circular tunnel, formerly a Roman era sewer, near Geneva along the French/Swiss border, the Large Hadron Collider is the world’s largest and most powerful atom accelerator. First conceived by the world’s leading scientific minds in 1995, the God-seeking instrument was then built by an order of Himalayan Toyota Monks over the next 13 years. Noted for having ascetically lived their entire adult lives in underground caves, save for the relocation trip from Katmandu, these Monks still remain to control the instrument’s daily operations.

Perhaps as a reward for their über-pious and chaste lifetimes, in last night’s cutting-edge research effort the Lord Himself blessed these very Monks by allowing them to finally catch a fleeting glimpse of a minute fraction of His Almighty Magnificence. Although the God Particle, also known to the layman as the Higgs boson, had been predicted in 1964, this was its first definitive observation.

The CERN Monks immediately knew that they’d found the God Particle when this most energetic atom smash-up of all time produced a blinding flash of light followed by a tiny, bright white speck which floated to the top of the detector and zoomed around in a circle to map out a halo pattern before disappearing, just as had been predicted. At that instant all the Monk scientists present fell to their knees and sang Praises unto the Big Guy Upstairs for this Smashing Holy Vision.

Before they knew it, a split second later the floor began to rumble and a horrible, deafening, soul-shaking noise was emitted from the collision chamber. A bright red flash appeared, then coalesced into a tiny red particle which dropped to the detector bottom and traced out a whizzing, counterclockwise oval path roughly in the shape of a firm turd—the Satan Particle!

Also predicted in 1964 but with uncertain properties, this Satan Particle proceeded to eat a hole through the collider housing floor, causing a rapid loss of vacuum and triggering an automatic total system shutdown. Sonofabitch! The LHC Monks, still on their knees, then wailed and cursed and shockingly blasphemed the Lord in Heaven, as they immediately realized that they faced months, if not years, of costly and tedious repairs.

That, as they say, is science. Sometimes it’s Eureka! Sometimes all hell breaks loose. At least--Glory Be!--now we know that God truly exists.

And that bastard Satan too.

03.16.10

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