Indians Recapture Central U.S., Aim West

CLEVELAND – Seeking to overcome some 150 years of pain and humiliation, the Indians, hot on the warpath over the past month, have now thoroughly routed the opposition in cities throughout the Midwest.  The Tribe, hungry for retribution from generations of wounded pride, lack of respect, and being rudely pushed around, this spring finally amassed the resources and launched their all-out revenge attack.

Chief Quicksand E. Wedge, Indians leader since 2003, said after their weekend victories in Kansas City, “Although it’s taken us seemingly forever to get to this point, this year we’ve finally garnered the right combination of powerful arms, blazing speed, and big horses to really bring the superior fight to our opponents.”  Week after week, in city after city throughout the Midwest, the Indians have crushed everyone along the way and now rule the entire center of the U.S.

Among the stunned losers, Ozzie Guillen in Chicago stated, “We knew the Indians were coming in on a screaming tear.  We threw everything we had at them, but it still wasn’t enough.  We got tomahawked, plain and simple.”  And Guillen was among the fortunate, having actually won one skirmish with the Tribe while losing three.  “We’re glad to see them riding out of town.”

Feeling that destiny is on their side, the Indians are now looking to the West with great anticipation.  Still nursing a massive grudge for their age-old ill treatment throughout the West, the Tribe vows that this time the outcome will be different.  Said Chief Wedge, “It’s payback time.  We fully expect to ride roughshod over everyone who stands in our way.  Totally scalp them. We’re gonna rewrite the history books.”

This may well be the year that the Indians finally emerge victorious and recapture what they feel is rightfully theirs.  Given the Tribe’s winning rampage of the past few weeks, advance scouts and advisors countrywide are taking the Indians very, very seriously and are planning for the worst.  Opponents now have great reservations indeed as their own fateful meetings with the Indians approach.

05.18.09

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