Hushpuppies Key to Gulf Wetland Survival

RALEIGH, NC - The humble hushpuppy, a yummy deep-fried cornbread side dish popular across the Southeast, has now emerged as the likely savior of U.S. Gulf coastal wetlands contaminated by BP’s tragic oil spill. As scientists at North Carolina State University (NCSU) excitedly described this morning, the hushpuppy has just been identified as the most ideal crude oil absorbant of any material ever tested. Readily prepared, transported, deployed, and recovered, as well as inexpensive, hushpuppies are now expected to play the central role in these fragile ecosystems’ recoveries and survival.

Dr. Rich Gupta, lead investigator of the NCSU Wasted Food Studies Department, described the genesis of this breakthrough technology. “I was having my usual breakfast at the Glorious Glutton restaurant on April 21st and watching news of the BP oil rig catastrophe. They’d just finished talking about how all that oil was spewing and spreading into the Gulf of Mexico when I dropped a hushpuppy smack dab into my cup of triple espresso. Now I’m sure y’all know that espresso is a whole lot like crude petroleum. Well gosh darn if that hushpuppy didn’t just suck up every last bit of liquid in that espresso cup. Swelled up to ‘bout twice the size, then I just picked it right out and it didn’t spill a drop.”

Being a sharp scientist, Dr. Gupta hastily bought a couple dozen hushpuppies to go, took them back to his lab, and tried the same trick on some 10W40 motor oil. Eureka. Same result. Gulf oil spill in mind, he scurried downstairs and poured that Castrol oil right into the lobby goldfish aquarium, then tossed in a handful of hushpuppies. Faster than rednecks buying beer at a blue-light special, those hushpuppies sopped up every last drop of that oil and left the water pure as a born-again virgin.

Dr. Gupta then rushed to publicize those initial findings on the local WRAL-AM radio show, “Fantastic Foods.” Within a day, every barbeque and fish restaurant in the Piedmont started sending their leftover hushpuppies to NCSU for higher studies. When Gupta’s subsequent large-scale hushpuppy treatment successfully cleaned up the nearby, deliberately oil-slicked Duke University Gardens rare-Japanese Koi Pond (albeit without Duke’s knowledge or permission), the race was on for hushpuppies to save the oil-defiled Gulf coast.

BP immediately jetted Gupta and his hushpuppies to Mississippi for a real-world test in crude-choked Skeleton Swamp. Incredibly, less than two hours after widespread hushpuppy dispersal, the putrid, tarry swamp was magically transformed into a crystal clear pool of joyously singing frogs, back-flipping fish, and jive-strutting storks. Success.

Jumping to the present, Dr. Gupta described the just-approved U.S. government/BP plan calling for a layer of hushpuppies to cover every square foot of beach, bayou, and wetlands from Louisiana to Florida. As the hushpuppies do their thing and get saturated with the spilled oil, they will be removed and a fresh layer deposited, a process expected to last several years, as more and more crude oil slowly washes ashore. Eventually, however, the Gulf coast will emerge squeaky clean thanks to the hushpuppies.

Dr. Gupta closed by announcing even more great news for those in the Southeast. The Gulf-used hushpuppies will never enter that region’s trash stream or landfills. His NCSU Wasted Food scientists also conducted studies which confirmed that, since hushpuppies are cooked in oil to begin with, the recovered oil-laden hushpuppies can be readily recycled--tossed right back into restaurant deep-fryers for sterilization, recooking, and consumption. Not a single tasty hushpuppy will ever go to waste. Mmm-mmm, good.

06.08.10